6:51 PM: I sign off of work (almost an hour late, I might add) and check the first results. Vermont called for Obama, and Kentucky called for McCain. I crack open my first beer. I want to beat Wolf Blitzer with the torn off limbs of Anderson Cooper, and I’m not even drunk yet.
7:00 P.M: Oklahoma polls close. I’ve been on the edge of my seat about which way Oklahoma would go (spoiler: McCain). Pouring a sip of my drink out for my Democratic homies who wasted a vote in this godforsaken state.
7:01 P.M. CNN calls Maine for Obama, less than 30 seconds after Maine’s polls close. Obama called with 67% of the vote. Interesting, seeing as the total number of votes so far is 3 (for you mathophobes, that means Obama got 2). Why even wait until the polls close, dipshits? As an aside, I had heard Maine wasn’t that highly populated, but that’s ridiculous. They have a precinct with… THREE?!?
7:25 P.M. Fuck you, Virginia. Tally that shit already.
7:26 P.M.: CNN calls Massachusettes for Kerry! Oh… wait, Senate race. Right. Alcohol wins my vote, once again, apparently.
7:28 P.M.: CNN is showing advertisements for beer during election coverage. I’m convinced that while their reporters are idiots, their advertising people are freakin’ geniuses.
7:30 P.M.I have every TV on in the house. If I get drunk enough, maybe I can start to hallucinate that the MSNBC TV will start fighting the TV tuned to Fox News. Meanwhile, the CNN TV vomits all over itself and begins running into walls.
7:32 P.M. CNN early results. Obama: 77 EV, McCain: 34 EV. Kevin: .03 BAC.
7:34 P.M. Nope, not looking good for the Republicans. Of course, CNN keeps saying “we’re not calling anything yet, we’re PROJECTING”. Yeah, well, project this.
7:38 P.M. It’s sad when you think of all the similarities between political reporters and sports reporters. Seriously, this is like watching a game. A sad, depressing game. I think I’ll try to find a game or curling on somewhere, because it’ll be more uplifiting.
7:42 P.M. Why does CNN find it necessary to show throngs of cheering crowds in the middle of wherever-the-fuck who are watching a CNN screen? Why do I care that people are watching themselves watch themselves?
7:45 P.M. Early results from Palo Alto, CA. Stanford University student exit polls indicate Obama leads with Pi votes, versus McCain’s e.
8:35 P.M. 40 minutes of discussing politics with friends keeps me away from CNN. 40 blissful, Wolf Blitzer free minutes. Oh, and Ohio kinda sorta maybe possibly projected to kinda go Obama by CNN, as they say “Obama has won Ohio”. Thanks for that CNN, I was worried that you were being, you know… cautious with only 15% precincts reporting.
8:37 P.M. Dewey defeats McCain!
8:43 P.M. CNN starts playing paint by numbers with a map as they try to figure out how McCain might have a chance of winning. In short, he doesn’t.
8:45 P.M. I want a finger paintable big screen TV.
8:50 P.M. Seriously, the 3D cpaitol building? While extrardinarily cool for your average geek, it is completely and totally pointless. And the camera operator is making me want to vomit.
8:52 P.M. fivethirtyeight.com just called the election for Obama. Et tu, Nate?
8:54 P.M. Seriously, how can you project states with less than 5% of the precincts reporting? You guys are just throwing darts and flipping coins, you fucks.
8:55 P.M. Several rinky-dink states closing in 5 minutes. Insta-polls indicate 7% of people paying close attention to this race actually care.
9:00 P.M. Switching over to Comedy Central. I say we replace all the reporters of the 24 hour snooze networks with Jon Stewart clones.
9:15 P.M. Soberness is making a surprise comback in the precincts of Kevin. Time to start stumping with Bourbon.
9:05 P.M. Quick check of state and local stuff. Doesn’t look good for the people I voted for (those would be the not-incumbents).
9:30 P.M. Okay, I’m officially bored now. What happened to our horse-race elections? This one is way too easy for them to call, and I’m not heavily drunk yet. Where the hell is the entertainment and theater from 2000 and 2004? You know, as an amateur political junky, I’m disappointed, but as a citizen, I rejoice we don’t have to go through that shit again.
9:49 P.M. CNN has holographic interviews. Elections are the Superbowls to the 24 hour snooze networks.
9:50 P.M. HOlographic interviews. HOLOGRAPHIC INTERVIEWS. WHAT… THE… FUCK. IT’s a TV screen. I can’t see them in 3D. It doesn’t do the audience any good!
10:00 P.M. Well, it’s over. Much sooner than I expected it to be. I thought that was going to be much more complicated.
10:25 P.M. It sounds like the McCain concession speech crowd is about ready to start foaming at the mouth. I think if Obama were there, they would eat him.
10:35 P.M. Bush called Obama to congratulate him?!? I would absolutely love to have been a CIA operative listening to that tapped phone call.
10:45 P.M. CNN gushes about the winner. Take a drink. CNN does post-analysis that has no ties to reality, take two drinks. CNN introduces new technology to show you crap you didn’t care about in the first place in ways the old technology showed you perfectly clearly, drown yourself in a bathtub.
10:47 P.M. Okay guys, seriously. Enough kissing Obama’s ass, get back to your baseless prattling and infighting.
10:53 P.M. Only a few more hours until the 2012 campign begins!
11:37 P.M. “Yes we can” is the new Earth equivalent of Battlestar Galactica’s “So Say We All”.
11:47 P.M. Good speech by Obama, more on that later. As an aside, I think the shot of Jessie Jackson in tears is because he will now have the secret service to contend with if he wants to follow through on his plans to cut Obama’s nuts off.
12:00 A.M. GOVERNMENT TO CITIZENS: We now resume our regularly scheduled ass-reaming of America, already in progress.
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