Did you know there’s a war going on?
Not the war in Iraq, nimrod, we all know about that one.
I’m talking about the war on Christmas that, up until a week or two ago, most of us didn’t know existed — probably because there isn’t.
That’s right, Christians in America are continuing to be persecuted and derided. And now, the worst of all battles is being fought. That of a war on the celebration of the birth of the Christian Lord.
When will the persecution on Christianity end? When will these people be free to practice their beliefs?
Thank you, Bill O’Reilly, for keeping watch for us on the most horrible of horrors being waged against Christianity in this country and alerting us to this travesty, the renaming of Christmas.
He knows the true meaning of religious persecution because, after all, what good is fearing for your life while practicing religion in a land where the religion is not only not outlawed, but darn close to mandatory, if the local discount chain outlet won’t use the word “Christmas” instead of “holidays”?
Seriously, Bill “O’Lielly,” what war on Christmas? Do you honestly think any but the most extremist people care one way or another?
I honestly couldn’t care less what anyone calls it. And, I do understand why certain companies are trying to get away from saying “Merry Christmas,” and instead using “Happy Holidays.”
It’s the same reason that the right claims there’s a left-wing media conspiracy, and it’s not because liberals are trying to destroy this nation systematically.
It’s simply because some big companies want to get bigger. In short, it’s profit motive.
Not that I blame them.
The “Holiday Season” encompasses more holidays than just Christmas, whether you think they are good ideas.
There’s Hanukkah and Kwanzaa as most of us know, but there’s also the Winter Solstice, the Buddhist Bodhi, and even the Zoroastrians, Taoists and the Shintoists have holidays in December.
What about New Year’s, a mere week after Christmas and another major national holiday?
And let’s not forget Festivus, the increasingly popular anti-Christmas holiday perpetuated by the show Seinfeld.
It’s a popular month for celebrating, really.
And O’Reilly?
According to him, 15 percent of Americans are not Christian, and one percent of those are “totally insane.”
He seems to be neglecting the fact that there are nut jobs in every demographic, and Christianity is not safe from that equation.
At the very least, O’Reilly associating himself with Christianity is going to bump up their number of nut jobs.
So why, if you’re looking at getting the most customers in your doors to spend the most money, would you want to wish only the Christians extreme X-mas merriness?
Of course, you’d want to be all accepting, and try to bring in the most bling. If profit is your goal, do you really care about a war on religion?
Is there even one going on?
According to O’Reilly, on Nov. 30, “Secular progressives, which are driving this movement… don’t want any message of Spirituality or Judeo-Christian tradition, because that stands in the way of gay marriage, legalized drugs, euthanasia, all of the ‘Greatest Hits’ on the secular progressive play card.”
Bill found out our “see-krit” master plan!
Subtly changing the name of Christmas will allow us to take over the world by making this a country of immediate gratification, sin and the spreading of a slow cancer in Christianity itself by turning a majority of its followers into “Sunday-only” worshippers, thereby diluting the religion from the inside-out (insert maniacal laugh here).
Wait… I guess our plan already worked. Never mind, keep the name.
We didn’t even have to do anything, you did it to yourselves.
If there is a war going on against Christmas, and I’m pretty sure there isn’t (or at least an intentional one with such diabolical plans), it was one started a long time ago by companies trying to turn it into a month of frenzied consumerism, not some diabolical evil plot by sinful liberals that don’t exist.
Remember, never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity, or in this case as an extension of stupidity, baseless profit-motive without understanding how consumers work.
Here’s to religion in all of the wrong places.
Originally printed in the Daily O’Collegian, December 12th, 2005.
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