And once again, I’m back, like a freight train, smacked in the noggin’ full force by the ability to feel again.
“Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you.
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you gotta do.
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now.”
Not that the reason for my ability to feel is a good one.
Ever had one of those weeks, months, or possibly years were you couldn’t cry, even when it was appropriate? The last few months have been a lot like that for me. Now, suddenly, without warning, I can again, and sometimes it’s difficult to stem the flow.
They say that as soap is for the body, tears are for the soul, but still, is it really helping? Will this change things, at least my perspective? Must I expend time and tears to accept this fate I cannot change?
Yes, I know I’ve made some serious mistakes. That’s part of my regret. No, not regret, necessarily. I told myself I wouldn’t ever regret anything I’ve done in my life, and for the most part I’ve stuck to that. If offered that age-old hypothetical choice to go back and change one thing in your life, I would do no such thing.
But let’s just say that in this case, from these decisions, doubt has begun to creep into my earlier resolve.
And now, of course, she’s moved on, leaving me to wonder if she’ll come back this way again, or if someday soon I’ll get that phone call, confirming my greatest current fear, that there are no second chances…
“Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out.
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before,
But you never really had a doubt.
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now”
And the song that made her think of me? Will probably be used for another. My song for her, of course, will never change.
“Today was gonna be the day
But they’ll never throw it back to you.
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you’re not to do.
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now.”
Of course, as I believe, life is a path. Too many look at the horizon while ignoring the path at their feet, ever content to watch these hazy possibilities dance through distance. They forget they have to watch their step, and must concentrate on what is right in front of them if they ever have a hope to get to that shining horizon.
My problem? I feel directionless, suddenly, as though the one bit of clarity in my life has melted into the scenery and is now just as shrouded in haze as everything else on the horizon. Is that love, or possibly even passion? Something to focus on? Whatever it is, it matters not, since now there’s nothing on the horizon that really appeals to me, and it’s as though whichever direction I go, or what step I take, doesn’t make one shit of difference.
“And all the roads that lead you there were winding,
And all the lights that light the way are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
But I don’t know how.”
I suppose I have to keep moving, but to where I don’t know. I have the most tenuous grasp of my long-term goals, to write for a living, and I’m not sure what to do that will get me closer to that goal, or if I can even reach it at all. So in the meantime, I suppose I’ll just be here spinning my wheels, waiting for someone to find me, to save me.
“I said maybe…
You’re gonna be the one that saves me,
And after all…
You’re my wonderwall”
* - lyrics by Oasis, Wonderwall.
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