For those of you who use straight razors to shave, you’ve probably been watching over the last several years with baited breath as straight-razor technology has been building to a near bubble-like technological implosion. However, how making razors falls into the purview of technology is rather beyond me.
Last I checked, you make the razors straight enough so as not to lacerate your face (or to remain fair and balanced, your legs for all you ladies out there), add a little moisturizing strip to make it gently slide across your skin and whisk those little annoying hairs away.
Women, I can’t even begin to guess what it’s like for you, but I know for a fact that for men, the situation has gotten completely out of control.
According to MSNBC.com, Gillette has unveiled a new five-blade razor, the Fusion, paving the way to technological mediocrity and further proving that consumers are idiots and will buy anything.
The new razor with 5 blades, or six if you count the one on the back of the cartridge for trimming mustaches and beards will come in both battery-powered and unpowered versions and will be available in early 2006. According to the article, “Gillette, which also makes Duracell batteries, said in a meeting with analysts and reporters in New York that Fusion’s battery-powered version has a microchip that makes an indicator light turn on to warn users when the battery is running down.”
I honestly hope that the battery-powered version exists for a greater purpose than simply blinking a little light at you whenever the expensive batteries you purchase wear out. I know, I know, apparently they’re making straight razors powered now so as to vibrate the little hairs right off your face, but when this is the ultimate purpose, why not simply go with a real electric razor?
The funniest aspect of all this is that Saturday Night Live, in its inaugural episode in 1975, predicted the Mach3 by doing a spoof commercial for the Triple-Trac, a razor for customers who’ll believe anything.
The Onion, just last year, predicted this five-blade nightmare in a parodic open-letter from the CEO of Gillete calling for his engineers to find a way to cram five blades in their somewhere, even to the point of putting one or two in the handle or make one perpendicular to the others.
And finally, Mad Magazine in 1979 made fun of this whole charade by coming up with the Trac LXXVI: a 76 blade razor that “…wrap[s] around an entire face and shave it close and clean in two or three effortless moves.”
I’ve been an electric user for years, and I will also admit that I am fascinated by high-technology, but an LCD read-out on a razor? What for?
I’m trying to shave my face, not save the princess from the bad guy. What’s next?
Including an Mp3 player and maybe a scheduling system? Maybe Nintendo will come out with the ShaveBoy, only to replace it with the ShaveBoy Advance and the ShaveBoy DS.
I can’t wait to see their new “Touching is Good” ad campaign after this one.
And seriously, if you want to impress me, invent that thing we saw in the Jetsons years ago that you fit on your head and it dropped down about 3 razors and completely shaved my face without having a so much as blink.
Then I’ll be impressed.
Or perhaps when I can shave my face and not walk away with fresh razor-burn. Maybe, and this is just a thought, please understand, the reason that adding more sharp cutting edges is giving us a closer edge is because they’re shearing away layers of epidermis we could actually stand to keep.
Well, I’m off to buy stock in moisturizing lotion producers and some dermatologists I think might be seeing some new business.
Here’s to technology in all the wrong places.
Originally printed in the Daily O’Collegian,September 21st, 2005
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