I’ve mentioned her before… and as I am not one to publicly reveal someone’s identity on such a public forum without a serious amount of foreplanning and consideration, we’ll call her “K”.
I have a plan, of course, as I always do. I hope to graduate in May (no, I will not be walking; just give me my $30,000 piece of paper and let me get on with the rest of my life; I don’t need to sit in the heat for 3 hours to walk across a stage for 30 seconds). Past that, things are a little more up in the air. Obviously, moving out west is at the top of a very short list of my list of options, both now and when I finish my degree in about a year.
But a year, coupled with a couple thousand miles, seems so far away.
Patience is a virtue, of course, one that I lack, and it’s one of my failings. I see something I want, or feel that I need, and have a very difficult time making myself wait until the appropriate time. Of course, now is not the appropriate time. I need to finish my degree, and another year of experience under my belt sure won’t hurt my career.
The depressing part is watching those I care about leave, people that have been in my life through some of my most difficult times, leave for their biggers and betters, knowing they are going off to try their hand at being successful and building the lives they want. Meanwhile, I feel trapped by classes and a degree path I care very little about, but which people keep telling me is important.
I know what I want, I know where it is, I know the future I would like to have, I’m just not sure how to get there, and yes, it’s frightening.
There, I said it. You can all call me a wuss if you want, I don’t care. I’m willing to admit when something scares the hell out of me.
Anyway, back to the point at hand.
I have the possibility to try my hand at a relationship with a woman that I believe is the only one I can see myself with for any type of long-term basis, and it’s time for me to stop shuffling my feet and make a decision.
It, however, is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am a damned fool when it comes to relationships, and an even worse one when it comes to those that span the breadth of distance, and in my fear and doubt, in my inability to handle a relationship, I have failed her, not once but twice. I won’t go into the details, as they are unnecessary, but let’s just say that apparently I never learned the lessons I was supposed to learn five years ago when I did this to others I cared about. As there are consequnces for every action, my actions have only driven a wedge between K and I, and I accept that, fully. I can only hope that there’s a way to fix the problem and repair the damage I’ve done.
But I’m done with this mindset of fear and doubt, I’m tired of shuffling my feet. It’s time I make a decision and grow-up.
So, I’m going to take a risk, a big one, considering how little of a risk-taker I am by nature. I’m going to put my proverbial heart on the line and try this whole “patience” thing I’ve been hearing so much about. It may be a year, hell, it could be two if things don’t work out. It may not even work out, and I may move out west and within two weeks we realize this just isn’t going to happen…
Screw it. I refuse to play the defeatist “What-if” game anymore. I’ll set my chips down on the table and play this risk, with the knowledge that I might very well lose, and losing is not something I’m sure I can really handle.
But, you know, assuming I don’t screw up again, which barring a heavily medicated state or possible temporary insanity, I won’t… there’s still a chance that I… no actually, we… can win.
I think what we could be, what would happen if we win, makes this risk worth it.
Here’s to that chance, no matter the odds.
Comment on this post below
You must be logged in to post a comment.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.