I’ve written about idiot lawsuits before, and of course mentioned the McDonald’s coffee-cup woman who won 1.5 million dollars punitive damages, but these take the litigious cake…
A court in British Columbia was asked to intervene in a case where a local book seller began selling the next Harry Potter novel in advance.
This book was slated to appear on shelves Saturday, but apparently some individuals had the opportunity to grab it early.
The piece de resistance is that the judge also ordered that every purchaser who got a copy is to return it immediately. He can not speak about it, or do anything else with the book, presumably to insure that the novel remains viable from a business and story perspective come this last Saturday.
The judge was later quoted as saying “LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you! No spoilers!”
He continued by loudly humming the Canadian National Anthem while holding his hands up to his ears and finally scampered out of the courtroom yelling something about catching a flying car to Hogwarts before the semester began.
On a different legal front, the National Aviation and Space Administration’s recent mission to send a deep impact probe into a comet seems to have sparked the ire of a Russian… Astrologer (no, that’s not a typo), who is now suing the U.S. Agency for 300 million dollars on the grounds that their mission “ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe,” and of course, for her “moral sufferings.”
Rumor has it that Marina Bai, the Astrologer, is also planning on suing God for setting up the cosmos wrong.
God could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-angel was overheard stating that God was considering a countersuit on the grounds of “yet another idiot mucking up my creation.”
In related news, a spokes-demon for Hell stated that they were in talks with Heaven to offer legal counsel due to the notable shortage of lawyers not under the dark lord’s retainer.
And in this decade’s nominee for most frivolous lawsuit, Transports Schiocchet Excursions, a transit line in Europe, whose business model is only slightly worse than its name, is appealing a struck-down case against several cleaning women who stopped using their service and opted to car-pool to work at the E.U. headquarters in Luxembourg.
The company wants the women fined and their cars confiscated, claiming that the women have cost the company €2 million, or 3.2 million U.S. Dollars.
Said Martine Bourguignon, one of the defendants in the case, “Using our cars is quicker and at least twice as cheap. And on the bus we didn’t have the right to eat or even to speak.”
A company spokesman was overheard saying loudly “It’s not fair!” followed by crawling into the corner into the fetal position.
The spokesman, after that point, was no longer available for comment due to his thumb being crammed into his mouth. In related news, both Microsoft and the Recording Industry Association of America are considering making bids to purchase the company.
A Microsoft spokesperson announced “Oh, we don’t even know what their business model is, we just thought they had style.”
An RIAA agent announced that if they purchased the company, they’d only retain its legal department, claiming “Who else could get away with being such a**holes to their customers, except for us? We desperately need them on our staff.”
In any event, I believe I’d rather be hearing about old ladies winning millions for spilling coffee on themselves.
If the U.S. dollar ever collapses, I guess the only currency left to our society will be lawsuits to procure goods and services. I’ll have to sue the grocery store for some inadequately explained reason for toilet paper, deodorant, toothpaste, and hamburger buns.
Here’s to our new litigious society.
Originally printed in the Daily O’CollegianJuly 20th, 2005.
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