Back by mediocre demand and cynical accalim, it’s my ongoing review of “People that should not be on online dating.”
You know what’s frightening? Some of these people will breed.
You know what’s worse? Many of them already have…
As always, my comments are in italics…
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hello (Wow. That sure captures the attention. I take it you’re not pursuing a career in advertising.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 24
Occupation Description: cashier at delberts supermarket (Didn’t think so. That’s a little more geared towards your intellectual level.)
About Me: im a shy person (Apparently not very verbose, either.)
You Are Looking For: just someone who i can talk to and have fun with
My idea of the perfect first date: go dancing . (You couldn’t even take up the effort to explain what kind?)
My perception of an ideal relationship: someone who i can enjoy. (Insert generic comment here, since you’re not going to put any effort into this either.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships: guys are cheaters (And you’re an idiot, what’s your point?)
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Easy like Sunday Morning (Asanine like Monday morning)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 31
Occupation Description: sales rep
About Me: I am a funny,smart,athletic ,easy-going,sexy person who enjoys the positive things in life! no time for the bahumbug attitudes! or woe is me!!!! (Get off the methadone and then try typing.) I really want someone whom i can have fun with and get onry with~! i also want to be able to just chill & watch monday night football or hit the movies together and laugh or cry!Anything with a positive attitude and a smile & i am rollin w it!A guy, i can be buds w & kiss with & mostly LAUGH with. (Go, go, Gadget Random Punctation Machine!) Make music that sorta stuff, or lay out by my pool w me,take trips to cool hot spots,etc. (Thank you for that lovely contradiction, Ms. Oxymoron.) Or go to the lake in the summer w me and enjoy the sun, family, friends and festivities! Moreover-really i need an honest loyal strong man who is confident and secure! And loves to enjoy life & smile alot! (I’m just not feeling it… please add more exlamation marks.)
You Are Looking For: Just want him to be GENUINE and a kindred spirit w whom i can chill out with or pillow fight with if we get restless! (Hold on while I load my pillow full of bricks.) LOL! have to have a great kisser! Great teeth .goodhands ,all that good stuff!
My idea of the perfect first date: somewhere beautiful and WHERE the scenery is appealing! Not a bar or anywhere loud! a PLACE WE CAN BOTH ENJOY and be intrigued! (I’m going to buy you a keyboard without a capslock key.) A park,air show,car s r,museum,etc .I like a man who is creative and knows how to make good solid decisions for our date plan! picks fresh flowers or can be remarkable and sweet!whatever! (Hmmm. Let’s see if they have one without exclamation marks, as well.)
My perception of an ideal relationship: an honest one - one where u get butterflies before they arrive at the door!A bond wher true friends and respest each other! (Everybody! R-E-S-P-E-S-T! Find out how to spell well please!) can tell them anything and share your hopes and fears w out judgement!just be COOL LIKE CUCUMBERS! (Insert generic dildo joke here.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships: NEVER SAY NEVER,YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE NO MATTER HOW HARD U TRY!DON’T FALL IN LOVE W THE REAL PERSON THEN LATER TRY AND MOLD SMALL THINGS!DON’T LOSE YOURSELF IN THE SHIP! (What the hell? Methinks the lady doth watch Titanic too much.) IF U DON’T AGREE ACCEPT THAT U DON’T HAVE TO & IF U ARGUE DON’T SAY THINGS U CANNOT TAKE BACK!
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Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 25
Occupation Description: Professional
About Me: am Mary…who like going out,like sex and like travilling. (Mary, I think I speak for all of us, when I plead with you to please take a long “travil” off a short pier.)
About My dream mate: want a man who is caring ,loving,God feringn.and like sex. (You want a good, moral, Christian boy, who likes to plow you hard?)
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PrInCeSs…SeArChInG fOr….mY PrInCe (sEaRcHiNg for… SoMeOnE WhO… CaN… gEt ThRoUgH tHiS dAmN mEtHoD… oF tYpInG.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 18
Occupation Description: Student
About Me: i am outgoing, very sporty, love to laugh and just hang out and have a good time. i love to go out and be romantic and then i can just stay in and cuddle. i love the outdoors. im not a prissy girl but i know How to dress when needed. i Love the water and to swim things along that line. (And in this corner, we have the Queen of random capitalization!) I have a bad history of guys doing drugs and wont put up with it anymore so if you do drugs or even smoke dont bother sending me a message. (Not that I blame them. I have a feeling that if I were dating you, I’d need some class A narcotics.) I have morals and values that i live up to and dont plan on letting anyoe ruin them for me. no i am not a virgin but i have been abstinent for almost a year. (”I find it funny to frustrate and blue-ball guys.”) I am a college cheerleader and weight 103 pounds. (I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing you’re blonde, as well.) if that matters at all. I hope that helps you know me a lil better. (Yup, not that I wanted to in the first place, but, oh well.)
About My dream mate: i want someone who isnt controlling. they need to be able to trust me. i have never cheated on a man and i expect the same for me. i need someone who is in control of his life and would never abuse a woman. someone who is caring and charming and knows when to be sweet or serious when the time calls for it. Like i said up there i dont tolerate drugs and smoking. then need to be goal oriented and love thier family. (Incestual perversions a plus.)
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dunno (I don’t either. Why DID you sign up?)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 18
Occupation Description: pediatric nursing
About Me: Hey guys im 18 yrs old & ima senior in high school im fixin 2 graduate (If there’s any justice in this world, you won’t.) then i will go 2 college for pediatric nursing. I love kids & i love god! (But he hates you.) I also like 2 hang out with my friends & have a good time. (SMS Text Messaging has murdered the English language.) I am currently single . (But… how can that be? *Snicker*) Well thats all 4 now if ya wanna kno ne more ask!!!
You Are Looking For: im not really lookin 4 ne 1 but if i was i would want sum 1 that is sweet & kind & sum 1 that likes me 4 me (”I’m not really looking for a relationship, which is why I signed up for an online dating site.”)
My idea of the perfect first date: My idea of the perfect 1st date would prolly be goin 2 the movies & out 2 eat. Sumthin simple nuthin big! (There really isn’t anything I have to put here to make fun of you, you’re doing it so well yourself.)
My perception of an ideal relationship: im not really sure I havent really ever thought bout it i guess prolly sumthin simple nuthin big i like simple things im a simple person
What I’ve learned from my past relationships: i haven had many relationships im only 18!!! (NO! I never would have guessed!) so i dont really kno i guess 2 be carefu divin in 2 soon
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check me out
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 23
Occupation Description: nursing student in OKC
About Me: I am a 23 yr old mother of a beautiful two year old little girl and I am currently a college student in OKC. I am lokking forward to hitting the dating scene full throttle this summer. School will be out and mommas lookin for her a man. (Darwin had nothing on you.)
You Are Looking For: I am looking for a career minded man with big goals and hopes for his future. I do not need a daddy replacement for my daughter I play both roles quite well. (I’m sure you do after the operation.) I want a man to love life and me. If you have your head on straight but you still love to take the time to relax and go out and have some fun I am your girl. I am a very busy girl right now with school and work and being a mommy but i always have room in my life to love someone. I will treat a man like a king if he promises to treat me like a king. (Okay, the evidence is really piling up. Tell me, is your favorite movie “Tootsie?”) I am not real big on the way you look just as long as you are real and honest from the start.
My idea of the perfect first date: The perfect first date would be hanging out all day just doing whatever sounded good and then that evening a nice dinner and good conversation. (I see a lot of your conversations containing the word “Duh…”)
My perception of an ideal relationship: An ideal relationship would be simply basing it on respect and trust. Being faithful to one another is the biggest unsaid compliment. (Then here’s an insult…)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships: I have learned that you have to let a man be a man. You cant try to be your man’s mother. Always be a friend to your mate and listen to each other. I have also learned that sometimes you have to read between the lines. (Please please please do so with my comments, I bet you’ll figure out what I’M THINKING!)
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hot but sweet (I’ll take lies and damned lies for $500, Alex.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 18
Occupation Description: i’m in college (I’m guessing remedial junior college.)
About Me: i treat everyone like i want to be treated. when i graduated high school i was voted the sweetest girl. (Voted most likely to die naive.)
You Are Looking For: someone cool to talk to. i am just wanting someone to relate to that is into the things that i like to do. i like interesting guys. i want someone who can teach me new things.
My idea of the perfect first date: i would like to go to dinner and then go to a really cool bar or big party scene and then see where the night takes me (Behind a dumpster down a dingy alley hopped up on rufies? Okay, sorry, that was low.)
My perception of an ideal relationship: i really don’t know right now because i apparently have not been in a very good relationship yet. i would really like a sweet and fun guy. (And since you can’t get that, here’s a consolation prize of an assholish jerk…)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships: guys are jerks but you can’t live without them. (Oh yes you can, it’s this new thing called lesbianism. Hear it’s pretty popular these days.) it hasn’t work out in the past relationships because i think i am kinda high maintnance and it takes a lot to impress me (Translation: Prepare to spend money you don’t have.)
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Still searching for the right one…
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 24
Occupation Description: Student
About Me: Someone who is romantic, mature, not afraid of commitment. Someone who is spontaneous and let has those moments where they just want to cuddle and talk. Someone who has a sense of humor and likes to laugh.
About My dream mate: Someone who is romantic, mature, not afraid of commitment. Someone who is spontaneous and let has those moments where they just want to cuddle and talk. Someone who has a sense of humor and likes to laugh. (I’ll go get the cloning vat ready.)
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Looking for someone who’s nice and fun!
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 19
Occupation Description: Student
About Me: I love hanging out and chatting with people. I’m not really looking for anything, just some new people who are fun to hang out with, go to partys and all that jazz. So, hopefully your not one of those guys that are in a hurry to kick things off. That’s not what I’m here for - You can buy that sort of thing, if you know what I mean!!!!! (Yeah, thanks for giving the proverbial wink and nudge there, I think a few comatose 3 year-olds might have missed that one.) DON’T BE A DORK! (You’re asking me to lead by example?)
About My dream mate: A happy person to be around, someone to be fun and adventurous. Will SOME day in the future want a family. A great person to talk to. Someone who likes to talk! I like guys with personality, but people who are sarcastic . . .that’s okay to a point, but certain guys come off as well . . .total jerks. (Oooh, hope you don’t read this site. I think I just flunked your little test.) I think it’s funny to use a causually dry comment here and there, but don’t be rude and certainly DO NOT be offensive towards women. (Whoops, I lose.)
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LOOKING FOR A FRIEND AND LOVER !!!!
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 24
Occupation Description: Professional
About Me: VERY OUT GOING AND SWEET. TRYING TO FIND THE ONE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. I LOVE GOING OUT AND HAVING FUN WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY,ALSO LIKE TO STAY AT HOME AND COOK AND WATCH MOVIES . I LOVE CARS , MUSIC AND FISHING .( JUST BEING ONE OF THE GUYS FROM TIME TO TIME!!) (I didn’t review any transexuals this time, but apparently we have one in training.)
About My dream mate: A MAN WHO LOVES TO SPEND TIME WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. I ALSO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY. I NEED SOME ONE WHO IS SWEET AND CARING WITH A LITTLE BIT OF A BAD BOY SIDE…. TO KEEP ME ON MY FEET !!! (I’ll get the hand truck.)
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Couch potatoe (Paging Dr. Quayle, Dr. Quayle to neurosurgery.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 28
Occupation Description: Professional
About Me: How to describe myself…I am a funloving person who enjoys making others around me smile. I usually bend over backwards for my closest friends because I know they would do the same for me. (So, an athlete and a swinger? Kinky…) I try to look at people and learn something about that person that they might not even know. I guess more simply put is that I am a good judge of character.
About My dream mate: down to earth, comfortable, content, kind of man who knows what he wants out of life. has a great career in front of him, and would love to spend his extra time with a woman like me. sorry so short but gotto go (Apparently no one here realizes you can save these things and work them out over time.) …..take a chance with me and I guess we will see. (Must… resist… singing crappy ABBA songs…)
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Multiple Braincells Required (Notice the technical definition of the word ‘multiple’ is two or more?)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 30
Occupation Description: Business Owner
About Me: Some people think intelligence is everything…well only if it is used creatively in life. (And for you, intelligence is nothing.) A sense of humor is a great thing if you know ho to use it. Sports are great entertainment when you know they get paid to beat each other up. Me and my brothers would be millionaires if we got paid for every time we beat the tar out of each other. (All you have to do is televise it…) SO here it is. I am an individual with a lot of interesting habits, i spend more time in a corset with a battle axe on my back than i do in jeans and a tshirt. (On that note, I’m going to run.) I am athletic in many different ways and love finding new ways to work out my forgotten about muscles..lol….Did i mention i am afraid of dark alleys and thing that go bump in the night…. (Says the woman with a battle axe.) of course that is why i carry one of those really big mag lights at all times after sunset…. (That’s just what I want, a pistol whipping after a failed pass at you. Next.)
About My dream mate: If you are still emailing me after this intro then there is hope… (Oh, not for you there isn’t.) i like to be friends with people i date and associate with…I dont do one night stands…although weekends are negotiable….I have priorities in my life and sex is not in the top five list…so if you like a little fun and out of the ordinary thinking go ahead and email (Out of the ordinary thinking… In most circles, that’s called psychopathic) …the thought of the day is…..
Smile there is something you enjoy doing at some point in the day…..lol… (Thanks for the Pop Psychology, Stuart Smalley.)
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No stupids (Oh, where to start…)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 25
Occupation Description: Professional
About Me: Hello to all those single men out there who are tired of the games..I am a sexy, intelligent, outgoing woman looking for a man who can be serious. I enjoy the little things in life. I am looking for a man who can be my friend, lover and companion. Honesty, communication and trust are some of the important things in any relationship. If you are interested to know more, send me a note and ill get right back to you! DONT LET LIFE PASS YOU BY!!! (Please dear god, STOP WITH THE INANE AFFIRMATIONS!)
About My dream mate: I would like a guy thats honest, I can grow to trust, outgoing, maybe alittle shy, sweet, cute, just FUNLOVING! First of all they must become my best friend! Just someone I can be myself around and have a great time! (It’d be a lot more impressive if you wouldn’t be yourself.)
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Get ur dun (I swear to god, if I hear that one more time I’m going to fucking snap.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 26
About Me: I am a very postive person, I love to have fun, I like most sports and am easy to get to know and like. If you would like some one that is a one woman man. (No, I’m looking for a one-man woman. Wait… what?) I am a very honest person as well. I tell it like it is.I enjoy meet new people and just having fun.
About My dream mate: Someone that is fun, faithful, . I do drink and like to have fun, (Yes, drink yourself stupid. Oh, wait… too late.) but also can have fun without drinking. Someone who likes to talk.That person would also listen to me. No game players apply please. I also, want someone that likes children, as I have 5 year old twins. And no i am not looking for them a dad. (Thanks for that clarification, Yoda.) I am looking for someone to spend time with and get to know better. hope fully meet some new friends.
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A Moment of your time, is all it Takes !!!! (Hmmmm. Which premature ejaculation joke should I use… So many to choose from…)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 25
About Me: About me?? Seems like these sites always want you to describe yourself in some way or another. (Perhaps it’s because it’s… I don’t know… AN ONLINE DATING SITE FOR CHRISSAKE?!?) As for who I am. I’m pretty quiet, but not so much as really shy. I love outdoor activites in so long as the weather is nice. I think of my self as always ready for a new challenge, or adventure. I am totally committed to relationships and do my hardest to make them flow as smoothly as posssible. (Surprisingly literate for someone who can’t figure out why she’s supposed to describe herself.) So why am I here? Pretty much the same as you I feel. (You’re here to make fun of idiots like you?) In todays world with so little time and few places to meet interesting people. It seems date sites on computers are the easiest and safest way to become aquainted with new and interesting people. (New… maybe. Interesting… if you count hilariously stupid, then yes.) So why haven’t you and I met yet? I don’t know. Maybe your shy, kinda as me, afraid to take that first step. (Yeah, just keep telling yourself that.) Maybe it has been the wrong time or place. Well there is no better time then now, to put this behind us. (Get this horrendours part of our lives together over with?) Lets talk and begin or at least see if something we have both been missing has finally come together here. Hope to hear from you soon. 
About My dream mate: Someone honest,open,caring and above all loving. Someone who will not change me as I would not change him unless we would change together as a couple. Someone not afraid to show the world I am his, and is very happy of that fact. No deadbeats, liars, abusers need apply. Since you have no pride in yourself, you wouldn’t have any for me nor I you. So save the time and look elsewhere. (Oh, trust me, I am…) Friendship begins with a few simple spoken words. Love comes from admiration and respect as well as trust. Relations or marriage come from a combination of most of the above. (You culled that from some damned 12 step relationship program didn’t you?)
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friends with benifits? (Is it a “benifit” if I get to laugh at your bottomless stupidity?)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 27
About Me: i’ve lived in dallas all my life and love it. im a very curious person so i like to know everything. i have 3 tattoos and 1 piercing. im alittle shy but im up to meeting new people.
About My dream mate: im looking for someone to have some fun with and maybe get involved in a serious relationship. if not a relationship then maybe alittle “friends with benifits” (Microsoft didn’t count on you when they designed their spell-check, did they?)
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Texas girl looking for a sweet and sexy guy
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 20
About Me: I DONT HAVE A MEMBERSHIP SO IF IM ONLINE MESSAGE ME IF NOT THE SEND ME YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS’ :oP
Im very girlie, (Yet not very “spellie”, apparently.) but very much laid back love make up and jewlery shopping tanning and all those things. (You just burried the needle on my high maintenance meter.) love to laugh. Im kind of a smart ass I just like having a good time. Kind of laid back love to just cuddle up with someone on the couch and chill with a good movie… (OLD SCHOOL-my favorite movie EVER) (Oh, you like Will Farrel? Shitlisted! Ciao…)
About My dream mate: I dont like Immature guys, (And yet you like Will Farrel… Go figure.) tall guys because I am tall (5′8) I like white guys, I like a guy that knows hes sexy but doesnt let it get to his head, someone that dresses well and takes care of themself. Also someone that loves to laugh.. I love to have a good time.oh! and please have GOOD TEETH thats is a serious problem if you dont have a good clean smile its a ‘ NO GO’ Guys….. and smelling good doesnt hurt either….. (Here’s an idea: Get the hell out of Oklahoma and maybe you’ll find these things.)
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just lookin for fun
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 25
About Me:
i love music. i love tall men. i love accents. i love to be outside. i love to get roses from guys. (I love the thought of you breeding. Really, I do.) and i really love erotic e-mail. (Then I’ll forward you all the spam I get.)
About My dream mate: he has to have a great imagination, doesnt mind being outside. loves erotic talk, and e-mails. and can be romantic and strong. (If your definition of eroticicism involves email, do us all a favor and kill yourself.)
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I want to someone to sweep me off my feet (I want to someone who can to use good grammar… to.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 28
About Me: Thank you for reading my profile!! (Oh, if only you knew why I was reading it, you wouldn’t be thanking me.) I am an outgoing and spontanious woman, who loves to socialize and I also just like quiet evening at home with the one I love (just havent found the “RIGHT” one yet). I take pride in my appearance, I cant pass a mirror without primping (just a warning, if that bothers you) (Oh, just what I was looking for! A self-absorbed, obsessive-compulsive Narcissist!) I love to laugh! I love to dance. I believe that the perfect man for me would be my best friend, my greastest lover, and my companion.
About My dream mate: I want someone who will treat me like a princess.
There is nothing sexier than a man who has confidence,
I am very comfortable with my sexuality, and expect the man I am with not to be intimidated by that.
I want someone who can make me laugh!!
Someone who is not afraid to get his hands dirty. (Is this a bad attempt at a worse limmerick?)
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