Back by popular demand and to critical acclaim, the thing that keeps me home, indoors, a recluse from the society that spawns people like you, the people who, ultimately, I thank for bringing a smile to my face, a tear to my eye, and another ulcer to my stomach as I ponder the inevitable heat-death of the human race.
As usual, my comments are in italics.
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Get me out of Oklahoma (Hey,we actually have something in common.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 21
Occupation Description: Student
About Me:
These things sound so stupid and self-rightous… anyway… I’m a super hot blonde… (Interestingly enough, every women on the Net claims that.) sorry.. really… I’m a nice girl. I like to have fun! …and I dont take this whole internet dating thing too seriously but I am looking forward to meeting… I don’t know… YOU perhaps…
About My Dream Mate:
I’m looking for someone who also doesnt necessarily have to go on the internet to find a date… (Shit.) haha. I’m looking for a nice guy that likes to have fun. Come on.. I know you’re out there! (Probably in a witness protection program somewhere.)
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if you’re hott, im single (If I’m better than hot, can you be rich as well?)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 18
Occupation Description: Student
About Me:
ima shorty with long blonde hair n blue eyes….i love black but i also love all the other colors as well…:p….i race Mx,muddin on 4-wheelers, hangin out with ma buddies…:D…talkin on tha phone….doin nething crazy…skydiving, bungee-jumpin hehe…never quite got round to doin that one thou:P… (According to my crystal ball, you’ll be living in a trailer park in about 5 years.)
About My Dream Mate:
my match??? hmm…im gonna have to say someone i can carry on a conversation with yuh know (That would involve me stooping to your level.) …millions of people can say “damn girl you look good” (Yes, but you won’t be hearing it anytime soon.) but not many people have enough respect to say “you are very beautiful and i would love to get to know yuh” (Yes, it takes respect, and for you, a good sense of theatrics and the ability to lie through one’s teeth.) most guys dont care about respect ne more, i hate dat…its bull..:P
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Hey Sexy (Goodbye, Ugly.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 20
Occupation Description: Office Position (*Snicker*. Yeah, missionary. Her job title is actually “Sexretary”.)
About Me:
I’m 20 yrs. old brown hair, brown eyes, white skin, i’m colombian people tell me i have a big butt and a nice figure and a pretty face i have a great personality and i’m not conceided (That would be more ironic if you spelled it correctly.) i like to have fun and a like to laugh.
About My Dream Mate:
I would like my guy to know what a serious relationship is and to know how to have fun not in it only for the botty (Body or booty? You decide…) but for something else and has to be taller,cute, mexican, thug if possible. (I want a nice, sensitive, caring guy into drug dealing and pimping. Oh, and long walks on the beach, tee-hee…)
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hi yall country girl lookin 4 that good ol’ boy. (Something tells me you had a “country” style education.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 30
Occupation Description: Other
About Me:
when i am horse back ridin or watchin nascar with my mom and dad and my kids,i love to go off-roadin and i like to watch american chopper when i get the chance. (I’m really, really disturbed at the fact that you’ve bred children.)wich since i am a single mom i dont do very nuch of i have 2 wonderful kids and they are the lights if my life.i do love to go dancin with ,my friends when i can get out and if u would liketo know mors hey just let me know and i’ll be glad to tell ya well hope to be hearin from u soon. (I’d use Bablefish to translate that, but it doesn’t have an “Idiot-ese” option.)
About My Dream Mate:
Well he would have to be honest,carin,out goin,and really have a since of humor,and just like to have fun but also knows when its time to be serious.he would alos like dance even if he cant its always fun to just let it all go sometimes i think.andd just enjoy st least some of the things i do. (Please, please, dear God, tell me that your keyboard is broken, and that this isn’t actually idiocy.)
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Come Away With Me. (To a padded room where life is beautiful all the time…)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 22
Occupation Description: Office/Sales Management
About Me:
Hey!!! Now that I got your attention, lets get started!!! (Alright, you do that, I’ll be over here cleaning my gun.) I am a very active 22 year old. I love to go out dancing and just took up Salsa Dancing!! I am very active and hate to sit at home!! Life is to short to sit around and watch the grass grow!! There are several things I want to do in life before I get old, including bungee jumping, skydiving and swimming with the sharks!! I have a sense of humor and am constently laughing!! I try not to be to serious, but can be when it is required. Life is to short to be unhappy all the time. Isn’t that a song? Well I guess that is enough about me for now! Your turn. (Every single cliche on every online dating service ever created in one place. That’s got to be worth some kind of award.)
You Are Looking For:
The man I am looking for must be genuine at heart. I want someone who is caring and loyal. This person must possess a passion for life and a drive to succeed. (Yawn. You and every other woman on the Internet wants this. My kingdom for some originality.)
My idea of the perfect first date:
My idea of a perfect first date would be somthing out of the ordinary. I love it when a guy puts alot of thought into the date. Going to dinner and a movie would be fine, but I would love to do somthing more!! You can learn alot about a person by the date they choose!!! (Hmmm… Original… Alright, how about playing hop-scotch by the light of the full moon in a deserted parking lot while singing Eminem songs to a style vaguely reminiscent of a Gregorian Chant? … What?!?)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
The ideal relationship to me must be a balance between the two people. There will be give and take in a relationship and I don’t like more giving than taking an vice versa. I like the thought of romance also. Leave a note in their gym bag to let them know their on your mind. Little things mean more to me than the big!!! (Oh, yeah… sure, Miss Size-Doesn’t-Matter.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
What I have learned from past relationships is that you need to find someone that compliments you. Not a verbal compliment, but compliments who you are. Your ideas and values must be insync. (Thanks to the band ‘NSync for forever destroying the value of that word.) And if they don’t, make sure you stay friends. (Just not very good ones.)
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Emergency Massage Therapist (That just screams “prostitute”)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 32
Occupation Description: Licensed Massage Therapist
About Me:
EMT “Emergency Massage Therapist” (Wow. I’m trying to figure out what constitutes an emergency in the massage therapy field.) I enjoy my job and like to have fun with my friends on my time off. Do lots of fun things with my son and daughter. I like new, exciting, adventures. (And putting, commas in inappropriate, places. Have you been watching too much Shatner?)
You Are Looking For:
Fun, spontaneous, intelligent. Like kids. Like to do new things. Like motorcycle rides, concerts. Take vacations to
fun, exotic places. (Like, and stuff…)
My idea of the perfect first date:
Unconventional! Be fun, new, exciting. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have fun! Lots of talking, laughing, just learning about each other.
My perception of an ideal relationship:
Honesty and integrity and the ability to “go with the flow” in a loving relationship. Spontaneous fun, going for walks and playing with the children in the park, riding bicycles or doing whatever the family wants to do. (A little tip: Don’t mention family before you get to the first date.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
I still believe in love and when I love with my heart, everything else falls into place. In marriage, two people are still two, but have chosen to look toward the future as one looking in the same direction and working toward positive goals which benefit everyone in the family circle. (Congratulations. You managed to take every relationship “buzzword” and cram it into one, depressingly meaningless sentence. Well, I’m going to go pop off and ram my head into a wall now, thanks.)
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looking for fun?
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 32
Occupation Description: business manager
About Me:
I am outgoing, friendly, love to laugh. I like going out to the dance clubs, going to the movies, or going to ballgames. Wanting to have some fun. Feel like I am missing out on it. I am bicurious. I would love to have an experience with a woman. (You know, I don’t think any of us men would experience a feeling of loss if you started “playing for the other side”, as it were.)
You Are Looking For:
I am looking for someone that is fun and exciting, easygoing, someone who looks beneath the surface, likes to laugh, a touch of a roman ree. Is that asking to much? (Yes, it is asking too much, since I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!!)
My idea of the perfect first date:
My idea of a perfect first date depends on the person I am with and the place we are at. I like so many different things. It could be a ballgame, movies or many other places. (Please get beaned by a fly ball. Please get beaned by a fly ball. Please…)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
I haven’t found the ideal relationship to know what one is. I guess I will know if I find it. But I know it would include happiness for both parties.
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
I have learned honesty and openess with my feelings. I have learned patience. I have learned the many faces of love. (I have learned to stay the hell away from you.)
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lil mamma
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 22
Occupation Description: striper/waitress
About Me:
The thing that get me excited r when a guy takes me dancing and to a good movie. I also get excited when he has a superise 4 me. (That’s all the innuendo she can afford right now.)
You Are Looking For:
Has 2 be fun and out going. By out going I mean that he likes 2 go out at nite and party. He has 2 love going 2 the movies.
My idea of the perfect first date:
When he 2 me house and meet my family. Then we go 4 drinks. After the drinks go 2 dinner. During dinner we talk a lil and get 2 know each other. After dinner we go 2 a movie. He may put his arm aroung me and all. Then I treat and we go dancin. (Alright, that’s it… Some big men are on their way to repossess your 10-key number pad.)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
An ideal relationship is were u and yo man get along. Were u and yo man dont get into all that much.Were u 2 understand each other. Were u and yo man love each other and u 2 want 2 be 2gether 4 the rest of your live if u think it will last. (I will pay you real cash money if you’ll stop using the phrase “u and yo man”. Well, not really.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
I’ve learned that u cant jump in2 a great deal. I’ve learned that sometimes a man can say thing he dosent mean and u fell bad cuz u cut him lose. I’ve also learned that u dont need 2 tell yo friends everything cuz they might want 2 get what u got and they cant cuz u have it. (Deep, very deep. Thanks for that beautiful insight into relationships, Dr. Laura.)
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Wild and Looking
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 24
Occupation Description: Medical Billing Trancriptionast (The Community College special.)
About Me:
Hello, I’m Bandi (Her mother was a bandsaw…) and I like long walks on the beach ,haha just kidding (Yuk Yuk Yuk!) I’ m a playful ,caring ,and wild type of person. I ‘m down to earth and have my head on right . I know what I want out of life . I love children and animals . I like to do just about anything so jrope me a line and well go from their . (Alright, whoever was shaking her keyboard while she was typing this, it’s not funny anymore.)
You Are Looking For:
He needs to be funny thats a must. like to play around and joke.Likes children ,animales so on and so forth you know the grill. (I’d make fun of you here but you took all the joy out of it.) Don’t need to be stuck on them selves or take longer in the bathroom than I do (If that’s the only place I can hide, don’t expect me to come out anytime soon.) lol talk at ya latter
My idea of the perfect first date:
i’ll tell what my perfect date would be or you can figure it out ! (Ahhh, yes, the “Guess and Test” method of dating.)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
I need somone I can trust and laugh,play,hangout with and not be annoyed with eachother. (*Snort* Oh, like that’s going to happen.) I need somone who is understanding because I’v been through a lot in life . Not somone who dont like to be with his girl , and somone who enjoys the same things that I do.
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
trust and lots of trust along with compation and lots of sex the rest will fallow if the two of you are ment to be together (I’m no expert in the cosmic will of the universe, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “No.”)
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Hello (I am blown away by your god-like creativity.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 29
Occupation Description: Other
About Me:
I the girl from Russia also want to find to myself of the satellite of my life (That was either incredibly poetic, or… well, let’s go with poetic. It’s safer.)
I work in high school and very much to like me my work (Let me guess, an English teacher in a public school?)
I can tell that I the attractive girl
I dream to find which man I shall grow fond also which will love me
I think, that my dream soon will come true also I shall tell about itself
in more detail if you will write to me (I think that the Babelfish just threw up all over you)
About My Dream Mate:
I search for the middle-aged man which will be interesting to me
and to which I shall like (And he’s searching for a way to get you deported.)
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BIG-N-BROAD, BUT SWEET GOOD LORD!! (No, the fact that you’re allowed to exist in this world means that God is dead.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 28
Occupation Description: Student
About Me:
SOME CALL ME A FRAK, (I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing that nobody’s ever called you a “frak”) BUT THATS FOR U TO DECIDE…LOL IM SEPERATED AWAITING A DIVORCE… LOOKING FOR SUMTHING, JUS NOT REAL SURE WHAT, EXCEPT MY DEGREE IN RESP. THEREPY…. WANT TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO B ROMANCED FOR SURE, NEVER HAD IT AND NEED IT…LOL IF INTERESTED WE’LL TALK AND SEE WHERE IT GOES… 2FINGAZ (Please tell me that was a typo, because if it wasn’t, I don’t want to know what you were trying to say.)
About My Dream Mate:
DINNER AND A MOVIE IS FINE WITH ME… NEVER BEEN ON A REAL DATE I GUESS U COULD SAY, SO DONT KNOW NUTHIN BOUT IT….LOL SO SHOW ME WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT, IVE JUS BEEN TIED DOWN ALL MY LIFE IN A VERY DULL RELATIONSHIP…. SUPRISE AND MESMORISE ME….LOL (She’s a poet, and we wish she didn’t know it.)
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HOUSE OF INSANITY…HOW MAY WE HELP YOU? (Reservations for one to online dating hell, please.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 29
Occupation Description: Desktop Publisher
About Me:
i tend to get carried off and away (One can only hope.) once i start writing so i’m not even going to start because i only have 200 words and i don’t like to be chastized by automated online error generators. there’s all that beeping and the exclamation points. (Not to mention the dogs barking in your head.) although, if i were trying to write an essay for school, guaranteed the furthest i could get would be “i am me.” and that’s pretty accurate. i guess if you wanna know about me, just ask. i’ve been studying up on the subject a bit because i knew someday there would be a test. (The results are in: You’ve failed.)
You Are Looking For:
he would be sincere, intelligent, funny, imaginative, polite, and easygoing. maybe even chivalrous. a creative sense of adventure and honesty are very important to me. i need an Adam Sandler/ Ghandi/ Sir Edmund Hillary blend. no pressure. (If that’s not a sign of a deep-rooted, incurable psychoses, I don’t know what the hell is.)
My idea of the perfect first date:
anything inventive & spontaneous as long as the companion is right. i could have fun at a fish bait auction in the middle of a scorching mongolian civil upheaval with the right person. (And really, who wouldn’t?)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
i think it’s as simple as being friends. learn to trust and respect each other based on not only words, and intent, but actions as well. they do speak louder. do things together that you both love and you develop a bond. remember to spend time apart as well. this is true of any type of relationship. learn to listen as well as you speak. take nothing for granted. be flexible and don’t sweat the big stuff. if you find the right person, everything can be endured. love life. (I think loving life and dating you are mutually exclusive.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
the toilet seat thing is the absolute least of your worries (Oh, but you don’t know the connection I have with mine.)
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