Arrrrr, matey.
I thought I’d speak a language that most college students can understand. Being a demographic of primarily moneyless, Machiavellian civilly disobedient leeches of corporate America, I think most of us all know the true usage of the word “pirate.”
Music swapping, “warez,” “keygens,” DVD copying, pre-released movies, it’s all crawling through OSU’s Residential Life network, aggravating those three people in the honor’s dorm who are actually working on a research project and have a legitimate need for sweet, succulent high-speed network access.
I was startled, however, to learn that intellectual property is creeping into other avenues of life like a slow cancer, taking what once was considered innocent and fun, and pumping it full of intellectual property-laden slime.
Apparently a company called SNTE has regained copyright to the Eiffel Tower by draping it with a distinctive, and yet haughty, nighttime lighting display.
Supposedly, this copyright can even extend into the amateur realm, meaning that if you visit the tower at night and snap a picture, better not make a copy for anybody or do anything that anyone in their right mind with a camera would ever do.
Admittedly, SNTE has publicly claimed that they’re not after the tourists who just want to grab a couple of quick snaps, but still, copyright law has a way of coming back and biting you in the proverbial derriere, to use the French word in full context.
Ever lovingly assembled like a model airplane, summoning parts together like you were your own little defense contractor, intent on screwing the federal government for an overpriced tank?
Not anymore, little Johnny, because fresh from the online link farm “Weblog,” Boingboing.com, rumor has it that defense contractors are looking at throwing their heft around in the Intellectual Property arena as well, and all of these “unauthorized” planes, tanks, and (military) automobiles, just can’t be sold without the mega-corps getting their cut.
After all, Boeing, Lockheed Martin and Raytheon sure are hurting for money, what with the recent red tag specials on hammers, dropping them to an amazing $12,000 each (offer void outside of Area 51).
And for our future agricultural professionals, here’s an interesting seed of doubt, literally; the company Monsanto, widely regarded as the leader in genetically engineering crops to be hardier to disease and insects, is suing farmers over copying seeds, by, you know… growing them.
I’ll give you the opportunity to read that sentence again and pick your mouth up off the floor.
Monsanto has recently been successful in contractually disallowing farmers from collecting the seed from certain genetically engineered soybeans that it distributes and replanting them next season. They’ve even resorted to the tactics of stripping fields next door to farmers with Monsanto seed who suddenly noticed that their crops are becoming eerily resistant to disease and insects.
In their defense, they are compensating these farmers for their suddenly nonexistent crops. In other news, Monsanto is planning on suing God and Mother Nature for making wind a conduit for distributing copyrighted materials.
What’s next? Copyrighting DNA? Patenting conception? Pretty soon we’ll have to pay royalties to have a child, as copyright law on h omo sapiens and patents on sex come into being. Here’s to a Brave New Intellectually Encumbered World (TM).
Originally printed in The Daily O’Collegian, February 7th, 2005.
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