Why is that all my friends are following in my emotional footsteps, ready to scatter from this town, with its own personal hells that we’ve all built around ourselves? Is it really the place itself that is causing such strife? Or is it really just what they, or really, “we”… associate with it?
Tell me… is this part of the human condition, to want to see what life has to offer in a place other than the one we call home? I’m trying to figure out if this is something that helps define all of us, or if it is a part of everyone.
I see myself, an alternate incarnation, that is, with no financial burdens or concerns, becoming a journeyman, an outside, and yet benefactor of humanity, like something straight out of “Highway to Heaven,” only existing to watch different aspects of small pockets of humanity as I come across them. Call it adventuring if you wish, but this is the calling that I’m failing to heed.
I’m in a unique position: I have no mortgage, no wife or children to care for, and all my daily missions seem to futile and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Really and truly, how will I improve as a person going to endless classes with stupifyingly stupid instructors, working on a degree I don’t care about and consider slightly more valuable than any other piece of paper? Other than occassionally sending a client on his or her way with a smile and feelign like their problem has been taken care of, what good am I doing in my job? What is a career worth, really, other than pointless advancement leading to increased responsibility down the road, which really just translates to more money, something of which I find no more important than any other tool?
My cognitive dissonance has broken down and I’m left seeing my life as it truly stands, right now, which is nothing more than a damned waste of time and energy. I make no true difference to this world except for the occassional friend I help, word I write, or shoulder I offer for one to cry on, and I could be doing so much more of this if I weren’t wrapped up in my own damnable daily dramas.
Instead, my efforts are wasted in the throes of beauracracy, drowning in paperwork of both paying job and unpaying education, politicking like some yuppie trying desperately to push his way through the red-tape to some vague goal laying beyond, always out of reach.
The human condition? This isn’t a condition, this is unnatural… a form of slavery.
Here’s to breaking our bonds when they need to be broken.
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