The fact that I’m running into so many laughably horrendous profiles on such a frequent basis, enough to produce one of these every week or so, is beginning to concern me.
Okay, actually, I’ve moved beyond the level of “concerned” and am deep in the middle of “afraid for the future of the human race” territory.
And, if I can’t laugh at myself, who can I laugh at? The answer? The thousands of idiots that muck up my chances of finding any kind of intelligent, reasonable relationship. Without further adieu, more of my discoveries from forays into the wilderness that is online dating.
My comments, as usual, are in italics.
[QUOTE]
i love you (Wow. That was fast. I’m thinking addictive personality here)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 22
Occupation Description: i am a student at harvard (I’m calling bullshit on this one)
About Me:
i am a smart girl who likes to dance with what ?i like to go for long walks and obsses over guys on tv like sean faris (”Smart” and “Obsessing over Sean Farris” are mutually exclusive.)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]babycake21
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 31
About Me:
i help single moms with the child with they home works and schools works. teach them they abc and 123. (I weep for those children.)
You are looking for:
im lokking for that person who know how to treat they woman and send time with that person. if that person have a problem, i will help or set down and talk to them. (I also weep for anyone who goes to you for advice.)
My idea of the perfect first date:
i looking a good sweet and kind person that know how to treat my right.and spend time with me. goes out to a nice dinner. (And while we’re at it, I weep for anyone who goes on a date with you.)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
a good relationship and be stright up with me and no cheating on me.and no lie. if you have a problem please come and talk to me. (And, you know… I’ll just go ahead and weep for anyone in the same state as you, which means I’m also weeping for myself.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
cause that preson have a another girl friend on the side.and have a new born baby with my best friend (I think I speak for all of us when I say… What the fuck?)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]school (Yes, you need some. Thanks for pointing out the blatantly obvious.)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 19
About Me:
I what you looking good or not. I am a good looking for a guy in high school. are you in high school too. please contact me back. (The really sad part is that you will probably still graduate.)
You are looking for:
i am looking for a good looking men that care of the woman that is nice. and want too have twins and love them and care. (And want the English of the person of the good.)
My idea of the perfect first date:
I what you like too go on a first date and go too the club and spend time together at the club.And where are you for in ada are you cute and will you pick me up tonight. (No. So there.)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]hi dont no what to say (I’ve got a recommendation: How about nothing?)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 18
About Me:
have red hair about 5″3″ i play pool and thats about it i have no life so there’s not that much to really to say (Good job with that whole “Advertising yourself” aspect of online dating.)
You are looking for:
well i like someone to be kind and outgoing and likes to have fun. how likes to play pool and SOMEONE HOW LIKE OU. (The dreaded “Fat-finger syndrome” rears its ugly head.) can cook and someone how likes to party alot but not to much (So, uhhh, a lot or not too much? WHICH IS IT?!?)
My idea of the perfect first date:
i have no i idea about a perfect first date becuse i have never be on one before . so my perfect date would be that really didn’t know what we were going to go do becuse we wounld justed get in a car and go some were (Where’s Social Darwinism when you need it?)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
well it wounld be someone that is there for you no mater what is going on in there life or my life at the time. and some that counld and a friend and not in a relationship with me (I wonder how you manage to interact with people in real life without the ability to communicate.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
I have nevere really been in a relationships with someone in a long time. what i have learned is hafe of the they tell you is not true sometime (Please switch your keyboard from the “QWERTY” mode to the “Dumbass” mode)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]My Info
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 18
About Me:
I like just hanging out, being myself, but I also love to party too.I am a very outgoing person. I love just hanging out and watching moviesI like to cuddle And I am very flexable. (And by “flexable” she means in the spelling and typing sense.)
You are looking for:
I am looking for a sensitive guy, but yet he’s got to know how to have fun{and can drink more than me}-lol- (Based on your profile, I’m guessing that there are very few people that can drink more than you.) But also someone I can just relax with.
My idea of the perfect first date:
A relaxing dinner at an intamate restur dering whatever I want, followed by a nice quiet walk on the beach, and then go back to his place. (But don’t worry, she’s “flexable”)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
Haing a guy that loes me for me, not just my looks.And someone who enjoys my intrests too, and that doesn’t try to change me.
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
Not to like a guy for his looks only, but judge on his actions too. (Such as flipping you the finger, and telling you to go to hell.) And trust my instincts when it comes to cheating.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Hello como estan todos .How are you
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 29
About Me:
hello I consider a girl of social, jovial character, I like much the Latin musica specially the sauce and merengue . enchants to me to know new friendships . I am of vacations in a good weather in lawton oklahoma and i do should like to know me they people as your . writen . zusetc y we can be known bye (Insert Spanglishy, randomly generated phrase here.)
You are looking for:
I am looking for a man who simply is sicero, honest, and to inteligente cualquier another thing comes in the way or it is within its heart or in soul . (Having shown this to a friend of mine who is fluent in Spanish, you’re mutilating two languages at once. That takes a special kind of effort.)
My idea of the perfect first date:
to begin being friends and to follow with the friendship to apesar of the coexistence like pair, for one better relation (To ignore the profile of the idiot of the person.)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
to begin being friends and to follow with the friendship to apesar of the coexistence like pair, for one better relation (To repeat the idiocy of the above of the profile)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
single they have left sadnesses me and badly sabores pero in spite of all they have matured to me internally, that everything does not go to be simepre asi .consider that my other half exists single I must hope by her. (To confuse the reader of the profile of the other half of the person of… oh, fuck it.)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]what is crackin G (She’s like a beautiful, delicate egg… cracked)
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 18
Hair: Bald/Shaved (Now that’s a fashion statement)
Marital Status: Widowed (18 and widowed. Boy, does that incite confidence)
Education Emphasis: geral edumatcioin (I’d hunt you down, but you’re not worth the bullet.)
About Me:
the first i want people to know about me is that im not white and i was drunk when i did this. (That explains a lot.)
You are looking for:
what i am lokin fo is sum1 tat i can swharw evrythuinig wit and alugh and have fun eioty i always know what to (I get the impression you got drunker as you went through this.)
My idea of the perfect first date:
mi ida IF FRST DAT IES TO go woy roth a bad mama jama folowd bi gong out wih ushr raymnd and rapindl ghim wqih brom stick of (I honestly don’t even know where to start with this.)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Sexy
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 24
About Me:
Loves sports. (Well thank you for that in-depth self-analysis, Dr. Laura.)
You are looking for:
someone around 30-35, fun, sensitive, in touch with feelings, and observative, funny, witty, intelligent, thoughtful, and is willing to stay away from strippers and strip clubs. (HAHAHAHA!!! Good luck, bitch!)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]whatever /just wanna freak (You want a freak, you want to freak, or you are a freak? My money’s on the latter one.)
About Me:
i am very attactive in many ways i can be nice,mean, and many other ways and i like to talk not all about sex, (Says the woman who wrote “just wanna freak” as her headline) into sports and like to hang out with friends and spend time with who i’am with and you would like or (love me)
About My Dream Mate:
not all about sex atractive nice funny interisting likes to talk and have loys of fun (Brain…Seizing…Up, must move on… to more intelligent…profile…)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE] Sexys lookin 4 Hotties (They just keep getting worse!!!)
About Me:
big beyoce bottie,D cup titties,green brown eyes,locious lips,long hair (I really hope you’re on birth control. You sure as hell don’t need to be breeding.)
About My Dream Mate:
he just got 2 be fine with none nappy hair
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]The police are looking for me…i was looking 2hot (The eighties called, they want their cliches back.)
iwant2hump at mailbox ********* (Now what could you be looking for?)
About Me:
I am so ready for you to get into my pants (I doubt I’d fit in them.)
About My Dream Mate:
uh huh uh huh i want your body (Another compulsive drinker? Or just a fuckwit? You decide…)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]sweety
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 25
About Me:
iam 25 looking for a friend to chat with because i just lost my man. (I wonder why…) but i love to read and walk in the park also i have a dog that loves me.
You are looking for:
th flexible body and a lot of butt they say also brown eyes brown hair. well i have brown skin to with 38 ? (Her brain just made a right-angle from reality.) can u guess what . (Uhhhh, no, what?!? That stupidity should be painful for you?)
My idea of the perfect first date:
some one who can talk to me and get to know me and then see the star (Since when is there only one?) or moon with and a person that do lie about there age/life because we live only one time.
My perception of an ideal relationship:
just some one that i can talk too and get to know. a man not a woman, (Wha???) also i like someone who will get flowers just because.
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
don’t let no one get you for what you got or don’t fell in love with a woman’s man because that is crazy to also let the person know if you don’t like them. (Okay, then I’ll save us both the time: I don’t like you.)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Brandy
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 19 (You lying bitch.)
About Me:
Hi Im Brandy & Im new to this place Juss LoOkin For Friend to HaNg out and ChIlL Wit I Like ToO MEet New Ppl psH Im 16 (Ewwwww… Not again.)
You are looking for:
I Want To Meet A Person Who Can Keep up With Me, HoTT & Funny, Smart, Not Afraid To be who he is, Likes to Party, has a JOB & A CaR Likes to Go Out and stuff (Spastic Shift Key. Tragic, really.)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Beth2EF3
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 22
About Me:
ILOOK SEXY i AM SUPER SKINY i love music. I want you to respect me and my body.I want a one woman kind of man.what do you look like? I love to shop. (”I have Attention Deficit Disord… Oooh! Shiny!”)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]silver angel touch!.
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 21
About Me:
i am from mangum ok. i am singel and thinking about moving soon and i just looking for someone to keep me entertain to keep me from this boardom (Here, entertain yourself with this cyanide.)
You are looking for:
intresting will and can have fun someone that is not skkird to be there self. someone that is not shy and drives and works. (As opposed to someone who flies)
My idea of the perfect first date:
my idea for the perfect date well a man that pays for it. a man that we do something besides go to there house and watch movies all the time. someone that we go out of there way to make me feel comfortable
My perception of an ideal relationship:
someone that is not a shame of there self and free to do what they want and do it they have friends car and not always acting there age. (Unlike you, who never acts her age.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
men like going to there house and watch movies is not intresting. man that make u pay for the real dates u have. and they need a car and driver lince. (I think I understand why you can’t get a driver’s license: You have to be able to read and write.)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Looking for friends maybe more
Gender: Female seeking Male
Age: 25
About Me:
i have short dark brown hair; brown eyes; medium to large build. i am looking for someone to cuddle up to at night.
You are looking for:
i am looking for someone that will treat me right. Someone that is faithful and likes to spend alot of time (I really hate people that can’t finish a fucking…)
My idea of the perfect first date:
is . For you to come and pick me up. Open the doors for me. Take me somewhere that we can conversate (Hypocracy at it’s finest. You are the weakest link… Goodbye!) and get to know one another. (Maybe Dinner) Then we might know by then if we want to go and do something else that night or not. I love staying home and watching a movie more than going to the movies becaue you can conversate better and you can also cuddle which is something i really like to do. If we are out in public don’t be afraid to hold my hand or something to show affection. (Wow, you actually seem to have a better ability to “conversate” then others, despite your use of a word that doesn’t exist.)
My perception of an ideal relationship:
is with someone who is going to be honest and respectful to me as well as faithful. I will be honest and respectful and faithful to you. (Good. Now go be honest and respectful to me with this restraining order.)
What I’ve learned from my past relationships:
You have to be very careful because there are alot of people out there that will use you and treat you like you are nothing. (That’s because, and I hate to say it, YOU ARE.) Don’t get to attached at first because you may end up getting burned.
[/QUOTE]
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