To the Christians: Merry Christmas. (Happy B-Day Jesus! Oh, and BUY BUY BUY!).
To the Jews: Happy Hanukah. (Happy Lamp-Oil-Lasting-Longer-Than-You-Thought-It-Would Days).
To the Muslims: Rockin’ Ramadan (Belated, sorry guys).
To the Pagans and Wiccans: Super Solstice (Happy Longest-Day-of-Freezing-Biting-Cold Day).
To the Hindus: Pleasurable Pancha Ganapati (Happy Elephant-Headed-Guy-Worship Days)
To the Buddhists: Bodacious Bodhi. (Happy Buddha-Became-The-Buddha Day)
To the African-American Traditionalists: Kickin’ Kwanzaa (Happy Not-Really-Religious-Holidays Days)
To the Taoists: Well-wished Wang-Mu Day (Happy Indifferent Birth-of-the-Tao Day)
To the Shintoists: Terrific Tohji-Taisai (Happy Sun-Goddess-Came-Out-Of-The-Cave Day)
To the Zoroastrians: Zestful Zarathustra Day (Happy Our-Key-Prohet-Died-So-We-Get-To-Burn-Stuff Day)
To all the Atheists: Well, whatever… (Happy… uhhh, New Years? Maybe? I got nothin’…)
And to the assholes on the road, in the malls, and on severe, dizzying buying-frenzies who won’t get the hell out of my way or give me a moment’s peace: Fuck you.
So, in the spirit of the Virgin Mobile commercial, I have now extended the reach…
In other words, Happy Christmahanakwanzaadannathustrawangapataitaisaibodhisticewhatever… oh, fuck it.
I am going to so many different hells for this. But at least, I make sure to insult everyone equally.
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