Tuesday night, while watching the debacle that is the modern media, reporting on just how insanely Conversative our state is, I was packing my bags and readying myself for the moment that the results of the only State Question that I was truly concerned with was announced to the world.
No, it wasn’t the Gay Marriage Ban, or the Smoking Ban, or even the Tribal Gaming Act. You can rest assured it wasn’t the Veteran’s housing allowance either (since that was going to pass by a landslide, as sure as sure can be). As a matter of fact, the State Question I was most concerned about, wasn’t even taking place in Oklahoma.
It was in Alaska, the land were men are real men, women are real women, and everybody is real cold.
Alaska had a ballot measure up for grabs that I hadn’t actually expected to see anytime in the next twenty years, or possibly even during my lifetime. Alaska was asking its citizens whether or not they wanted to legalize marijuana.
If this measure passed, and Bush, as the media seemed to be affirming, actually won, then my plan was to move to Alaska until Bush’s next term was complete, because, face it, the only way I’m going to make it through the next four years without at least three ulcers, an aneurism, and a mindset that would make Lewis Black look clam and well-adjusted, is in a continually unnatural, yet completely legal, mellow state-of-mind. In short, I had almost resorted to lowering my standards by allowing myself to get Bush’s second term off to a heavily medicated start.
I jest, of course.
And let’s face it, marijuana hasn’t even killed half the people alcohol or tobacco kill, if anyone at all, and it even grows in the ground. That’s right, for all of you on the Christian right, marijuana was put here, on this planet, by God himself, at least based off of your logic.
But think, for just one second, about how this could have turned Alaska into the new growing financial epicenter of the U.S. Suddenly, people are moving to Alaska in droves. Imagine, if you will, Girls Gone Wild: Alaska, or MTV planning next year’s Spring Break party bash marathon to coincide with the end of the Iditorod.
Although, I will admit, an impromptu road-trip to Nome, Alaska is a heck of a drive, and not one to undertake without careful planning, solid stocks of food and supplies, and a deep pocket full of gas money, which ultimately undermines the concept of such a road-trip being “impromptu”.
My guess is that the first few states to de-criminalize marijuana, allow the growth, distribution, and use of it, and of course, tax the hell out of it, will become America’s new boom states, and their economies will spike sharply into the black. Why, the Twinkie and Ho-Ho sales alone could revitalize entire ghost towns, pulling our economy out of the downward spiral we’ve been helplessly watching for so long.
In fact, why hasn’t the “Hostess lobby” undertook this mission yet?
Their profits would soar, and the stocks for Sara Lee, General Mills, and others would suddenly create a stock market nirvana, putting formerly known “Outperform” rated companies to shame. Imagine, if you will, after the insanity of the Dot Com bubble, the new Pot Bubble, only this time, the economy doesn’t falter.
And, should I be wrong, and the economy doesn’t pick up because of the surge in munchie-consumption, then at the very least, nobody will be worrying about it.
Originally printed in The Daily O’CollegianNovember 12th, 2004
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