A friend of mine recently proposed a concept in politics that had never really even crossed my mind, let alone probably crossed the mind of thousands of voters. This proposal is that, in the TV advertisements during a campaign, you could not say anything bad about your opponent. Instead, you had to rely on your own strengths to carry the message.
Needless to say, this concept was stupifying to me. The golden rule for politcal advertising? While it sounds good in theory, I must admit that there are certain flaws in this proposal that are almost obvious. Generally, most people need this spewing of political bile. It helps us realize just how surreal and absurd modern politics actually is. Allow me to elaborate:
One, this idea assumes that politicians have strengths to tout. Read that sentence again, and please realize that was not meant to be taken as humorous, although this next one was. Imagine, if you will, political advertising in which a candidate must offer up some reason to vote for him or her, instead of spending 30 seconds of our lives telling us why not to vote for the other, bigger, and more inflamed asshole. Political advertisements would either be very short, or for an entire thirty seconds, they’d just sit there and stare at the camera, looking helpless. “Vote for me, because I did, you know… stuff. And additionally, I would like to say that, well, uhhh, I’m good at doing stuff.”
Two, imagine what the debates would be like if this law were extended to them. “I don’t suck! Not that I’m implying that my opponent does, of course,” says candidate one, to which candidate two replies, “Oh, of course not, and I would just like to point out to everyone that I don’t suck as well.” And then leave it at that. Suddenly the debates would be nothing more than who could out-nice the other candidate, which, as far as I’m concerned, isn’t going to bring in the ratings.
Three, be thankful that the system is as polite as it is, and at the very least, there is some meat to the messages that candidates use to oppose their opponents. Granted, it’s over-inflated and rancid, but at least there is something there in the message. Now of course, we could be as civil and polite in our politics as Great Britian, but let’s face it, they’ve had a lot longer to practice being disgustingly polite. Instead, let’s be thankful for what we haven’t regressed into. Every time you hear about a fight breaking out in some Parliamentary meeting somewhere in the world, pay attention to where they are not located. Japan is famous for having some legislative throw-downs that would put The Rock to shame, and there’s been a few in various places in Europe from time to time, but nary a peep from those that would lay the alledged smack-down in the House of Representatives or the Senate.
Which, perhaps, could be our solution to the problem. Instead of encouraging politeness in politics, let’s push for knock-down, drag-out fights. I’m guessing that years of tension and strain are building up between old alliances and enemies in Congress, and it’s high time that we have just one giant bar-room brawl, televised live on CNN, of a joint session meeting that erupts into nothing more than an explosion of fists and fury, like some old-style Kung-Fu movie with suits and ties, Jackie Chan and all.
Being that people are apathetic about politics to the extreme at this point, I think a wonderful way to garner interest again would be to simply take it to this extreme. In short, make politics the reality show it really is. I can see it now: Instead of “Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!” It’ll be “Super Tuesday, Super Tuesday, Super Tuesday!”, followed by the annoncer, in place of swearing in the candidate upon a victory, handing over the titelist belt and holding up their arms to the cheers of screaming throngs of fans.
So, to all those future Jesse Venturas and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, your time has come, better get to that body building while young, you want to make sure that you grow up nice and strong for when you enter politics.
Originally printed with permission in The Daily O’Collegian, November 1st, 2004
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