“When I spoke to her, she asked me a very pointed question, and I knew what she meant by it, but that didn’t stop me from taking it the wrong way. She asked me ‘Are you alone?’”.
“Well, of course, she wanted to make sure you had someone there you could fall back on.”
“Of course, but I still took it the wrong way. I almost asked her ‘What do you think?’ I mean, I’m always alone. I live alone, I have a few very good friends, but I’m still alone.”
“That’s part of being human. I’ll sit in my apartment with the TV on, my dog, my cat, and my wife in the room, and still get this inexplicable feeling of loneliness.”
“I’m not saying that when I get into a relationship will I suddenly never feel alone again. It’s just, maybe it’ll make those times when I do easier. I’ll have someone to go to.”
“But even then, I can’t find a way to talk to her about it sometimes. I can’t just go up and tell her to drop everything because I’ve got a vague feeling of discomfort deep inside.”
“No, I understand, but you have someone, and it sounds corny, who will simply hold you.”
“Well, yeah.”
“Of course, I guess I do to, but with these friends, it’s… different. I know that they care for me, but I also know that I’m not their focal point most of the time. It’s the same with you and Meg. I’ve told you this before, that I’m jealous of you two. And not in any kind of bad way, but by knowing that you two have that, and are going to be together until death do you part. But that’s just me, and I’ve been wrong before.”
“You’re looking for somebody who’s going to put you first?”
“That’s part of it. I suppose that the problem is, when I need someone to hold me, with most of my friends, it’s just that when they hold me, there are other things that get in the way, even if only a little.”
“Because you’re not their only priority.”
“And I might even be their top concern right then, but not always, and that’s always present in my mind, even just a little. It’s as though their arms aren’t open wide enough. Not so much as stand-offish, but just guarded.”
“I understand.”
“This is going to sound so anti-macho and wussy…”
“I think we’re both beyond those concepts.”
“On days like this, I just want someone to stand up and shield me from the rest of the world. It sounds corny, it sounds weak, but I just want someone who will protect me, hold me, and let me know that it’s going to be alright.”
“I understand. You’re looking for someone who can be strong as well. It’s what Meg was saying a few days ago, that she seems to be that person for everyone she knows, except she doesn’t have anyone to run to for her, except me, and I can’t always be around. I have to go to work, to class, and I can’t be here every second, unfortunately. That’s why she talked to you.”
“Exactly. I suppose that I’m looking for someone who can stand up and be a shield against the rest of the world every now and then. I can be her shield on another day, but today, I need someone who will protect me in my weakest moment.”
“Hey, you know we care. I don’t know if my arms will be open wide enough, but if you need someone to hold you, you can come to me.”
He held out his arms. And I took them, and my best friend held me for a moment, patted me on the back, and after giving me a moment’s peace, after being a shield against all that assailed me, after being just wide enough, he released me back into the world.
“For what it’s worth, we will do for you what you have always been willing to do for us.”
“I know, and I do appreciate it.”
“Meg and I always here if you need us. Just knock on our door.”
“And you as well.”
Comment on this post below
You must be logged in to post a comment.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.