After having read Girl, Corrupted’s blog entry for today, my balance was off. Fortunately, my officemate Joe pointed me in the right direction for a much need Daoist experience to bring me right back to center. In other words, the balance between despising all of you for your rampant idiocy or hating you for your ignorance. And yes, there is a difference.
To quote the article:
A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren’t having sex.
I’ll give that a second to sink in.
The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests.
Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving.
A clinic spokesman said: “When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: “What do you mean?”.
And here I was thinking that Germany had some of the most liberal people in terms of sexual freedom, creating the absolute raunchiest, horrific pornography that the fragile human mind is capable of even conceiving without that living soul immediately taking flight for places slightly less disturbing, like hell, or even, dare I say it, Newark.
I mean, not that I’d know anything about that or anything.
We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate.”
“The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old husband are now being given sex therapy lessons while the university clinic undertakes a study to try to find out if there are more couples with a similar lack of sex education.
Here are a couple of other articles which expound on this… amazing (and not in a good way) article:
The Google search which helped fill in some of the details.
And now, my thoughtful and carefully planned rebuttal…
What the fuck? What the fucking fuck fuck?!?
LITERALLY!
…
Alright, now I’m calm. I have several questions and concerns about this, which I will now distill for your education and entertainment. Edutainment, as it were.
First of all, this couple has been together for 8 years, and never had sex. That in and among itself is astounding. How can you not become… intimate with your spouse of 8 years? I mean, we are talking instinct here. Sex is not one of the more complicated learned behaviors, such as walking, lifting, or programming a VCR. As a matter of fact, it’s not a learned behavior at all, hence the term “instinct”, as in pre-programmed from birth by your genes.
Second, apparently they assumed that the wife got pregnant by lying, fully clothed, next to her husband at night. There are a few obvious questions to this point, including, but not limited to:
How does one come to such a conclusion?
Does this mean that they’ve never seen each other naked?
Apparently, they’ve never, ever, ever even heard of the Internet. Let alone logged on.
Third, and this is where my social commentary begins, is YAROR (Yet-Another-Rant-On-Religion).
This is the kind of article that some belief systems (and no, I’m not targetting mainstream Christiantiy here, we’ll get to that in a moment) would love to see. Why? Because, simply put, it means that the deeply ingrained sexual appetites of human beings (which are deeploy ingrained because they’re INSTINCT!) can, and at least in this situation, have been completely erased like dandelion spores in the wind. Apparently, sex is dirty and evil for many belief systems.
Ladies and gentlemen, sex is a natural part of life. As a matter of fact, it’s an integral part of life. As a matter of fact, it’s the only reason any of us are alive today. That, in and among itself, makes it a beautiful thing (again, ignoring icky German porn).
And to those who hold a Gnostic view in the Christian Church (where the concept of sexual relations being “icky” stems from), I have to say but one thing:
You’re obviously bitter because you’re not getting enough of it.
I think my blatant curiosity is getting the best of me, because I would have given a limb, a kidney, and part of my liver to be in the clinic when this conversation took place. So, since the exact transcript of the conversation is not available, allow me to produce a fake transcript, purely for your enjoyment and Daily Recommended Value of raucous, side-tearing laughter:
(Early on in the “battery of tests”)
IVF Doctor (to husband): Now, we’re going to need a sperm sample. [Hands husband a little cup]
Husband: Uhhhh…. okay, how do I get that for you?
IVF Doctor: If you’re asking for help… Uhhh, I don’t think that’s really my… department.
Husband: No, I mean, do you have instructions?
IVF Doctor: … Uhhh, maybe I should get Nurse Hathaway.
(During the interview)
IVF Doctor: Now we have your results here, but to be perfectly honest, we’re not sure why you can’t conceive. You both appear to be fertile and perfectly healthy. So I’m going to ask you a few questions so we can better determine your sexual habits and relations. How often do you have sexual intercourse?
Husband: Sex? Ummm, we’re not exactly sure what you mean.
IVF Doctor (Incredulously): Sex. You know, sex. As in “horizontal mambo”, “Burying the trouser snake”, or “Doing the nasty”.
Husband: (Equally Increduosly): I don’t follow.
IVF Doctor: You’re kidding, right.
Husband: No, I really don’t know what you’re referring to.
IVF Doctor: Okay, the man takes his penis, and after it becomes erect he sticks it into the woman’s vagina…
Husband (Interupting): Hey! I pee with that!
IVF Doctor: No, wait, wait, this is perfectly natural.
Husband: Perfectly natural! That’s disgusting!
IVF Doctor: Wait, how have you been trying to conceive up until now?
Husband: Well, we laid next to each other in bed at night.
IVF Doctor: …And?
Husband: And… what?
IVF Doctor: And… you’re trying to tell me you didn’t have sex?!?
Husband: NO! I told you! That’s disgusting! I’m not putting my private parts near her… private parts!
IVF Doctor: But that’s how you conceive a child!
Wife: Well, then what’s this thing about a turkey baster?
IVF Doctor: A.. turkey baster…
Wife: Yeah, a woman is supposed to use a turkey baster while standing on her head on a mattress.
IVF Doctor: Okay, out of complete morbid curiosity, what are you filling the turkey… never mind. I don’t want to know.
Husband: So, we have to have this “sex” thing you keep talking about?
IVF Doctor: Yes, and I suppose you need to…. Well, first you should have a candlelight dinner and then commence with the fore… which is, well… then comes the birds and bees, and…
IVF Doctor: Uhhh, Nurse Hathaway? Could you come here for a moment?
…
As I’ve said before, you can’t make this shit up, people.
Until next time.
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