In 4 days, 4 hours and 4 minutes from the time of my starting this entry my life will slightly veer down another path and take a turn for the… different, I suppose. Not worse, just different.
D.H. will be leaving for the summer. As chance would have it, she’s not leaving for good. She will return in August, as is the plan.
And I will still be here.
Of course, the possibility exists that I will be dating someone else at that point, and I will have shrugged off any kind of relationship with D.H. besides “just friends” in favor of someone better, or again, at least different.
And of course, as you may remember, I quit eHarmony. I decided, instead, to join a much more efficient (from what I understand based on the formal reviews from a friend and coworker) and much, much cheaper online dating service. As I’ve said before, I’m not giving up.
So, I bit another bullet (realizing in full that it’s more than I can chew), and became a paying member of Dreammates.com. At least it’s a little less destructive to my debit card than eHarmony.
So… back to D.H. going away. I suppose that I have to sit back and reflect, knowing full well that she reads this blog and will get to see my inner thoughts and feelings regarding our… relationship. Or, simply put, lack thereof.
I suppose the thing that gets me is that she would never make up her mind with me. I constantly got something along the lines of the following: “Well, if I were going to date anybody, it’d be you,” or “I just don’t want a relationship right now.”
I was hoping to avoid playing the game again. “What game?” I hear you ask.
The dating game, of course…
*Ding! Ding! Ding!*
[Insert cheesey theme music here]
Announcer: Welcome to another episode of everyone’s least favorite, yet most played TV game show… The Not-Dating Game! Where our players compete to be in the friend zone and have the coveted .00001% chance of actually having a real, Honest-to-God relationship with a beautiful woman! Now, here’s your host, Mick Matchbreaker!
[Camera pans across pre-recorded studio audience to settle on now emerging generic smarmy game-show host]
Mick: Thanks Rick, and welcome to The Not-Dating Game, the show where a Crying Shoulder will get you 6 months of ambiguity and questioning of your own self-worth! Let’s meet our contestants…
[Camera pans to contestant stands. In a small partition near the contestants sits a beautiful woman]
Mick: Contestant number 1, our returning champion, Kevin, is a sensative and intelligent early 20’s computer technician from the great state of Oklahoma. Last show, you, our audience, awarded Kevin a running grand prize of 18 months of hair-pulling patience in the friend zone with 2 different women! A new Not-Dating Game Record!
Kevin: Thanks Mick, Not-Glad to be back.
Mick: Contestant number 2, Jason, is a mid-40’s amateur porn star from the state of Wisconsin with a beer belly and a penchant for baby oil. In his spare time, he enjoys making napalm at home, which he donates to local right-wing militant groups. And, contestant number 3, Luke, is a 19 year-old skater with 4 felony convictions and a child he won’t support.
Now, as you know, our returning champion gets to go first, so Kevin, spin the scenario wheel!
[Camera cuts to view of Kevin spinning wheel and clapping quasi-enthusiastically]
Kevin: Big relationships, big relationships, no whammies….
[Wheel slows and lands on “Drunkeness”]
Mick: Ooooh, good one! Now, for 250 points, the scenario is, you’re at a party with your “friend” and she’s obviously had a few too many. She starts making out with another guy a few feet in front of you and the question everybody wants to know is… What do you do? Remember, the girl’s top 3 answers are on the board, get the top answer and you’ve just won this round!
[Audience begins yelling answers out untillegibly. Kevin looks around worriedly.]
Kevin: Uhhhh, I… I sulk in the corner until she asks me to take her home!
Mick: Let’s see “Sulk in the corner”
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 2]
Mick: Oooh, 2nd highest answer. Other answers?
[Contestant 2 buzzes in]
Jason: I… ask to join in!
[BUZZZ!]
Mick: Oh, sorry, that answer wasn’t in the top 3. Contestant number 3?
Luke: I cry to her in person when she’s sobered up.
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 1]
Mick: That’s right, the number 1 answer! Give that wheel a spin.
[Wheel spins and lands on “Abuse”]
Mick: Ooooh, this one will be tough. For 500 points, what would you do if you found out your “friend” got into an argument and was pushed by her current boyfriend?
Luke: I’d… listen and offer advice!
Mick: Let me see… Offer advice!
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 3]
Mick: Not bad, but can the other contestants do better?
[Jason buzzes in]
Jason: Act tough and offer to beat the guy up!
Mick: Let’s see Acting tough!
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 2]
Mick: Kevin… One more answer on the board… Any guesses?
Kevin: That’s easy… Tell her that she already knows what I think she should do, and offer to support her decision, whatever it may be, so as not to insult her intelligence by telling her something she already knows, and secretly hope that it doesn’t get any worse and that she’ll see the light before the relationship has the opportunity to go that direction.”
Mick: Alright, show me “Act like a total wuss!”
Kevin: But, that’s not what I…
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 1]
Mick: Good job! 500 points for Kevin! Give that wheel another spin.
[Camera cuts to wheel landing on “Accidental Nudity”]
Mick: Oooh, another tough one, this is for 1000 points. You’re headed over to your “friend’s” house to drop off a gift for her out of the blue. When you knock, the door accidentally opens and much to your surprise, you’re treated with a full frontal view of her completely nude. What do you do?
Kevin: Ooooh, I… I don’t know… pass.
Mick: Okay, Kevin has passed, giving our other two contestants an opportunity to buzz in.
[Jason buzzes in]
Jason: I make a suggestive comment and walk inside!
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 3]
Mick: Luke or Kevin?
[Luke buzzes in]
Luke: Uh… I apologize quickly and leave, slamming the door behind me!
Mick: Show me “Apologize and exit!”
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 2]
Mick: Kevin? Last chance…
Kevin: Okay, I apologize, leave, and then erase the image from my head. For the next 2 weeks I continue to be apologetic and buy her yet another gift for my rudeness.
Mick: Show me “Act like a total wuss!”
Kevin: Now wait a minute…
[Board dings and answer shows up as number 1]
Mick: 1000 points for Kevin!
[Buzzer sounds in the background.]
Mick: That sound means we are out of time, and Kevin will move on to our final round for a chance at the grand prize… mediocrity! Now, as you know, our final round is an actual conversation between Kevin and our female contestant at some point in their… “relationship” [Audience laughs]. So, Kevin, give that wheel a final spin…
[Wheel has changed. Now all answers read “Breakup”.]
Mick: A Not-Dating Game favorite! Now our female contestant will start the conversation, and our audience will vote! 30 seconds on the clock, and GO!
Girl: I can’t believe he broke up with me! Am I not good enough?
Kevin: Of course you are! You’re absolutely wonderful! How can you ask that?
[Ding]
Girl: His new girlfriend is so beautiful. Is that it?
Kevin: You’re naturally beautiful. She has to wear pounds of makeup just to look presentable. You’re gorgeous!
[Ding]
Girl: I mean, I’m intelligent, but he just doesn’t see that! He treats me like a fool!
Kevin: He’s the fool if he can’t see that.
[Ding]
Girl: Why can’t I find a nice guy for a change?
Kevin: [Awkward Silence] What about me? I’d jump at the chance to date you…
[Buzz. Audience moans]
Girl: [Awkward Stare] But… we’re just friends. I don’t want to ruin that.
Kevin: But, the best relationships I’ve ever been in have been with someone who started out as a friend.
[Buzz. Audience moans louder.]
Girl: I’ll… I’ll have to think about it [Turns away].
[Clock buzzes at 0 seconds]
Mick: That’s the end of the round, and it’s time for our audience to vote…
[Camera pans to audience trying to decipher voting devices while Jeopardy-style music plays]
Mick: And… we have our outcome! Let’s see how Kevin did…
[Board shows tallies of 100% voted for “Total Failure”]
Mick: Oooh, that’s going to be rough! Kevin, you’ve just won 6 months of loneliness and a ruined friendship for broaching an uncomfortable question! Too bad, better luck next time, and don’t worry, there will be a next time!
Kevin: But… I didn’t get a chance…
Mick: Thanks for joining us here at the Not-Dating Game, where our motto is “We show the world the ruins of your good intentions!” Until next time!
Ahem…
Good ol’ creatively channeled catharsis.
I believe I need to stop watching sappy romantic-comedy style anime, it’s rotting my brain to believe that the perfect woman is really out there. Long story short, she’s not.
With that being said, the perfect woman for me may very possibly be out there. But, if she is, the likelihood of finding her is low indeed. Allow the logical side of my persona to take over and offer you some statistics, just to drive the point home…
There are over 6 billion people on this planet, with an approximation of half as women. That’s 3 billion women. A rough estimate provides that 1 billion people in the world speak English to some degree, meaning approx. half that are women (500 million). Now, there are 140 million women in the U.S. alone (meaning they are accessible in terms of distance), and, assuming an accurate age distribution, this means that there are approximitely 19 million women in my current age range (20 to 30) that are English speaking individuals and are at least somewhat physically accessible to me.
Of those 19 million, approx. 51% are currently married/not seperated from their spouse, and %1 are lesbian, leaving approximately 9.88 million non-married straight English speaking women in the United States in my age range, not counting those currently in relationships or, for some reason or another, unavailable to me in some other fashion.
Sounds like a pretty good number, right?
We’re not done here.
At this point, we have to operate under a few broad and unhelpful assumptions. We assume there is one person for me, and one only (according to the classical and highly inaccurate theory of the proverbial “one”). We also have to assume that this one is meant to be found, wants to be found, etc., which implies a few other assumptions:
One, that she will be close enough to actually be found.
Two, that she will be compatible with me, personality-wise.
Three, that my timing won’t utterly suck kumquats, and she’ll end up out of range, out of touch, or out of body.
So, on with the show…
According to the Myers Briggs Type-Indicator (MBTI), I am an Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging person (INFJ), which is the smallest demographic with only 1.5% of the population matching this type. Therefore, assuming that I am most compatible with an ENTP (Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving), with 3.2% of the population, or ENFP (Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving), with 8.1% of the population, (with a total percentage of 11.3% of the population), out of our “availble” women, that leaves approximitely 1.12 million women who are both “available” and “compatible”.
Assuming an accurate population distribution and that I will be living in this area for the next few years of my life, 1.2% of the U.S. population is in Oklahoma, meaning that out of the 1.12 million women, 14,400 women in Oklahoma fit the bill.
Assuming 7 more years of searching before I reach my hopeful “Wanting to build a family” stage of my life, at my current rate of discovery (which includes the process of acquaint, introduce, relate, befriend, judge) of 4 per year, that means out of the 14,400 women locally that fit the bill, I will “get to know” 28, leaving the chances of finding the “one” without a major life change 514 to 1 against, or 5.4% odds.
This also assumes that in 7 years she (whoever “she” is) doesn’t move, get married, turn lesbian, pass away, go through a personality change, etc.
Drop those odds down a little.
So, after 4 hours of pure, utter wallowing in self-pity, eccentric research and Googling, hammering on the keyboard, hammering on the backspace key, agonizing over verbiage, agonizing over style, agonizing over lack of coffee, and other random neural misfirings, I have come to one, ultimate question…
“Could you please save me the agony and just TELL ME WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE?!?”
“What do I need… Signal flares?!?”
Until next time people.
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