Another loneliness theme. I seem to be on this kick recently…
Some human beings seem to think that emotionalism is a sign of weakness. Anyone that displays any sort of emotion, except possibly for anger, is a weak, foolhardy individual. My mother used to be quite a bit like this, and it absolutely drove my crazy.
I believe wholeheartedly that this is where the concept of machismo stems from. This particular batch of idiocy indicates that guys are not allowed, because of genetics, or being the proverbial “stronger sex”, or because their place in society, that any form of emotion, again other than anger, is utterly forbidden.
Personally? I think this is idiotic.
With that being said, I know that I am too much of an emotional person.
“But wait!” I hear you say. “Didn’t you just that say machismo is foolhardy?”
Let me finish.
In the ongoing internal conflict between my emotional and logical sides, the emotional side has almost always won out, to the point where I’ve even worn it as a badge of pride before, even in the martyr sense, to a degree. However, within the last few years, I’ve discovered that the goal is not simply to block emotions altogether, but simply to attain balance between these two warring factions.
How very Daoist of me.
This, of course, doesn’t mean I always succeed. In fact, most of the time I’m probably too detached from a situation because of this desire. Part of it stems from my desire for balance, and part of it stems from my empathic nature.
If you don’t know what empathy is, allow me to explain. If you already do, please feel free to skip the next paragraph of drivel in favor of only minutely less tedious writing.
Good ol’ dictionary.com has a reference to empathy. To quote the definition, empathy is “Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.” How…sterile. Another definition, further down the page is “understanding and entering into another’s feelings” [emphasis added]. This is quite a bit closer to what I actually go through. I not only pick up on other’s emotions (through body language, vocal inflection, eye contact, etc.), but I also take on the emotions, and even mannerisms of others. I’ve had to train myself to distance myself from others in an emotional sense so as to not endanger my own already deranged psyche. While I may be very intuitive in some cases, I now automatically and subconciously put emotional distance between those that are going into negative emotional extremes (positive emotions, such as laughter, happiness, etc., I have no problem taking on, and I try to be this way naturally anyway).
All of this added together, makes me both a somewhat manic, and yet detached individual. I can only imagine that I can be difficult to be around when others are going through emotional strife. Hence, my previous post.
But does this make me “macho”? Does this distancing of my own emotions mean that I find emotionalism weak? Hardly. I only find that my own emotionalism in many of these situations can cause more problems than it’s worth. I tend to get irrational, I tend to get foolhardy, I tend to get…well, stupid.
This of course, does not mean that I don’t let myself feel anything, nor do I not let myself feel what others are going through, I just…keep a careful watch over it. I keep my emotions in check, for the most part.
And of course, occassionally, I lose control, just like everybody else.
Taking all of this at it’s face, one of my problems within the last couple of years, ever since a horrible relationship with a girl I had no rhyme or reason to date, I’ve approached relationships from the logical side. Since my emotions have gotten myself in trouble before, in conflict, in personal drama and tragedies, and especially in relationships, I’ve forced myself to approach things from a tightly logical, overly analyzed, utterly anal retentive perspective.
Emotionalism? Nope! Can’t have any of that in a relationship, for God’s sake.
As I’ve noticed before about myself, there’s very little of middle of the rule.
But, I still have the normal desires of every other social creature, specifically, the sentient, self-aware ones.
When I have a rough day, when I feel like it’s been me against the world, and the world is winning, I want someone there to comfort me, to hold me, to just make all of the stress and fear and anger and hurt just… melt away.
When my mood makes an Oklahoma February look cheery and bright, I need someone stronger than I to stand up for me for a few minutes. Someone that I know can help shoulder the burden of this so-called human condition, for at least a moment. And I can only hope that I will be at least mildly ready to do the same for that person, when I am called to be the proverbial “Knight-in-shining-armor”, to use an overused cliche.
So, I’m now looking forward, towards a potential new relationship. I have that coveted clean-slate to start things out fresh with, at the friends level, taking it slow and patient, treading carefully with baby-steps.
Now if I can only keep myself from getting ahead of myself, which I constantly do.
Followup: This, by far, has been the most difficult to write entry I’ve ever felt the desire to put down into bits over the ether. For some reason, I think I’ve had the most difficult of times trying to keep my emotions in check long enough to analyze them from the logical side. I don’t know, for the life of me, why I’m even saying this, but I suppose if you find some cosmic signficance in this, then you’ve got far greater scope than I do. I simply type the words as they come, spending far to much time on the Delete key.
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