Loneliness is only an emotion of a social creature, and man is such a creature.
So why is it that so many do not suffer through such a feeling?
It is built into our genes to find a mate, as it continues the species. So, how can some never have children, or even find that clichéd “special someone”? It is built in to group together with others like ourselves, in an attempt to protect ourselves, so how can so many become hermits, pushing out those that would welcome them as part of their pack?
But, a better question to all this, one that I have asked myself, many, many times, and to which I have never been able to give myself an adequate answer, is why am I not one of these people?
Allow me to explain, in my usual unwaveringly complex and insipid verbosity.
It is generally accepted that human beings are flawed and imperfect creatures. This concept is rarely in debate… the only question of significance is why? Philosophy, religion, evolution, all of these are attempts to answer this question, to an astounding lack of fulfillment.
I don’t have an answer to this question, myself. As I’ve said before, I’m not a professional philosopher, only an amateur, since I have a paying job. Instead, I’ll leave that for another day’s rambling.
The point is, human beings are flawed, and this presents an interesting problem to me. Being sensitive to others emotions presents me with unique, and usually dreadful opportunities to see the positives to each side of an argument, or at the very least, where that person is coming from. Basically, I tend to get stuck in the middle, and it can be a very difficult place for me.
Likewise, in situations where I’m not stuck in the middle, I can often be too trusting, and I’ve found myself in far too many situations where that trust was not necessarily misplaced, but because of bad luck, or poor timing, or any of a thousand other reasons, even meaning that the other part was not at fault, I get… hurt, as there is no other good word to describe it.
So… this begs the ultimate question. Why do I put up with it? As I said, man is a social creature, but I don’t believe it is just my genes. I’ve become the hermit… the loner, before, with little success at sticking with it. It’s a great way to protect yourself from getting hurt, but I never seem to be able to hold my resolve.
Since the philosophical blathering is out of the way, it’s time for my long-overdue update on my online dating ventures. Don’t worry, I did have a point from the above, just not yet. Let me build to that…
So, as I said, I signed up for eHarmony.com. I paid my dues, I took my quiz, and I waited. As usual. I seem to be very adept at sitting back and waiting for any damned thing, which one would think would make me a patient person. In a nutshell, I’m not, which is probably why I joined this thing in the first place.
So, the first night I joined, but before I paid, it attempted to find a match for me. “You’re unique! There’s nobody like you! You are a rare and special snowflake! Now please give us money so you can continue to be disappointed.”, said the service. Perfect. Now how do I be less unique? I suppose I could lie, or get a lobotomy.
Fortunately, I did not have to resort to such ends. Within a few days, I had some matches, even a couple within driving range. So, I gritted my teeth, built up an extra reserve of resolve, ignored that nagging little “Fight or Flight” mechanism that was triggering like an Uzi inside my demented and caffeinated brain, and turned over my credit card number to this service, so I could actually communicate with some of these people who claimed to be women. Or, at least, currently claimed to be women.
I jest, in a cynical and assholish [sic] way. Please ignore the last paragraph.
A few of the matches were interesting. A couple really didn’t even register with me.
Ping.
Dammit, there it goes again. My radar went off.
One match piqued my interest. Her profile, the answers to the questions I had sent her, everything seemed to be an indication of someone who I would like to get to know better. For the purposes of this writing, we’ll call her “J”.
We submitted our questions to each other. We bounced our relationship “Must Haves/Can’t Stands” to each other. We started the Open Communication process.
And then, we decided to talk on the phone. Alright, let’s take stock.
Here was someone, who, based on what I knew from her profile, was a beautiful, intelligent, rational woman, who knew what she wanted, and, for all intents and purposes, and based on a cursory examination, met many of my base criteria. For those who don’t know what my criteria are, here is the list, in order of importance:
1. Could actually win in a battle of wits against a brick. (Intelligent)
2. Not a social leech (Emotionally intelligent)
3. Not a sociopath (Not a whole lot of “baggage”)
4. Not fake (Naturally beautiful, doesn’t need 900 pounds of makeup and plastic surgery so that she considers herself beautiful).
5. Might actually get my jokes at least as often as the moon is full and the planets align and… (Good sense of humor).
So, she met the criteria. I called her up, nervously, expectantly, hesitantly, and finally, just punching in the damn numbers, my own lack of self-esteem or self-respect or self-whatever be damned.
We talked for over 2 hours. And at least 4 nights a week since then. More often than not, for many, many hours. Thank God for free nights and weekend minutes.
We’ve connected in some way. I would calls this “friends”. And I specifically mentioned to her that, however this ends up, my $50 has been well spent, because I’ve at least met a friend, someone who I can actually talk to about important things.
We’ve also met over coffee, and talked for a couple of hours. It went well. To be more specific, it went fabulous. I was nervous as hell, and she picked right up on that (despite my painfully obvious efforts at hiding it).
But, I think she is a great person, and would love to pursue a relationship with her. If not a relationship, a friendship. But my money has been well-spent, at least in my mind.
So, with all of that being said, here’s what I’m thinking.
This one “match” may not pan out. This relationship may never take off, it may more closely resemble the jet exploding on the runway. But, I have made a friend, and something even more important, at least potentially long term, has been revealed to me.
Over the years, I have had to settle for “second best” in the category of compatibility. The women I’ve dated were simply not compatible with me. Of course, too convince me otherwise at the time was foolhardy at best. So, over the years, I believe I had subconsciously convinced myself that I would always have to settle for second best, at least, second best for me. Perhaps that person would be “first-best” for someone else, but not for me.
I’ve always known I would have to settle for imperfection. I will be one of the first to admit, I am extremely imperfect myself. However, I was always hoping to find the someone that was, for lack of a better term, perfect for me, while not perfect in the strictest sense.
And while, this current “prospect” (I hate that word when talking about relationships, but I have to use the language that best conveys my thoughts), may not lead to where I hope it could go, or anywhere, for that matter, my subconscious fears have been dashed to hell, and I am finally, inexplicably filled with hope. And, because I am a risk-taker, and because I am a social creature, and because I am a glutton for punishment, and because I’m human (believe it or not), I will take this chance. If she will let me, I will try my best to make this work. If not, then I will try again, and again, and… and futility, loneliness, hermetical behavior, all of it… be damned.
So, I will keep you updated, as usual.
Followup: If you check the comments, you’ll notice a post by “J”. Yes, that is the “J” I wrote about. And yes, I’m absolutely giddy because of that comment. 
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